Top 250 Quotes From Earl Sinclair

Earl: [picks up a sock near as big as him] What's this?
Fran: Gary's sock. He thinks I'm going to do his laundry.
Earl: His laundry, he sent you - his sock? His foot? How many of these feet does this guy have?

Fran: [arrives] Hi, I'm back from the market. I got nearly everything on Aubrey's list except the low-sodium goat cheese and the sugar-free tofu teething cookies.
[Earl sighs]
Aubrey: Perhaps you could pop out after supper and check other stores. By the way, did you manage to change the linens in my crib? They were left in quite a state by your previous child.
Fran: My previous child?
[cries]
Fran: Oh. Oh, no.
Earl: Oh. Come on, Franny. Our real son is celebrating his first birthday.
Fran: My baby is one year old, and I'm not there?
[wails]
Fran: I just want to crawl into the woods and die!
Earl: Cake time! Charlene, your mother wants some cake. Fran, hey! No wonder you're feeling down. You don't have a party hat.
Fran: Oh, my baby has been taken from me!
[cries]
Earl: Oh, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake! That's it, come on. Quick.
Charlene: Here you go, Mom.
[Earl chuckles nervously]
Fran: I want the knife. Give me the knife!
Charlene: What?
Earl: No cake. No cake. No cake.
Charlene: Hey, hey. Hey! What's the matter with Mom?
Earl: Well, she's overwhelmed with happiness.
[Fran cries and Earl sighs and smacks his teeth]
Robbie: Well, I got the tissues.
Earl: Give... .
Robbie: Huh?
Earl: No. Come on, sweetie. Now, cheer up. We're celebrating a new addition to our family.
[Fran blows her nose]
Earl: Everyone else is happy.
Robbie: I'm not.
Charlene: Me, either. The kid's a real zero. Oh, no offense.
Aubrey: None taken. Fortunately, I'm very well-adjusted.

Earl: Before I let Fran 'input' me. I'm gonna take everything she bought me, load it in the car, and return some of it.

Baby: Okay, Georgie. Can I have my hug now?
Earl: [as Georgie] Oh, sure, special little guy.
[chuckles as Georgie]
Earl: Assuming my head doesn't fall off.
Charlene: Yay.
[Earl kisses Baby Sinclair as Georgie]
Robbie: Aw, isn't that special?
Baby: Yay!

Baby: You sure you know what you're doing?
Earl: Haven't a clue.

Earl: I am the mighty Megalosaurus, the king of the dinosaurs. And when the king of the dinosaurs wants a 90-inch television set, he's going to get a 90-inch television set. So what do you have to say about that?
Fran: The Tyrannosaurus is king of the dinosaurs.
Earl: That's debatable.
Fran: No it isn't. I dated one in high school.

Earl: [Baby is straining] And what would you be doing?
Baby: ...nothing.
Earl: You're gonna make a poop, aren't you?
Baby: ...maybe...
[continues straining]
Robbie: He's goin'.
Charlene: Definitely.
Earl: Are you going or not?
Baby: [strains than sighs relieved] Not anymore.
Earl: Alright, that's it! We're going back up to the bathroom and we're not coming out until one of us is potty trained!

Blarney: [singing with kids named Jeff and Tim] Okay here we go. I am Blarney I love you. E-I-E-I-O. And if you're nice you'll love me, too. E-I-E-I-O.
Robbie: Well, it does seem to have quiet him down a little.
Blarney: [still singing] With a love love here, and a love love there, here a love there a love, everywhere a love love.
Fran: It's interesting, he strikes a chord with children. Something about Blarney inlooses the purest feelings of warmth and affection.
Baby: [with a baby bottle on his slingshot] EAT GLASS, BLARNEY!
Blarney: [Launches the bottle at the TV] AAAAAHHHH!
Baby: [TV blows up and Fran and Robbie were shocked in surprise] DIE SUM, DIE!
Robbie: [as Baby cackles] Well, I gotta say, I'm with him.
Fran: That does it! I am fed up with your bad behavior, you are going to your room!
Baby: NO, I WANT PRESENTS!
Fran: You are going to your room, there will be no more presents.
Earl: It's present time!

Robbie: So what am I supposed to do, Dad?
Earl: In a word... sports.
Robbie: Sports?
Earl: Yeah, get yourself a racket, a ball, some pads, and run around the track until you're so exhausted you can't think of anything. Believe me, it works.

Earl: Ethyl, if I could move my arm I'd crack your head like a coconut.
Ethyl: Yeah, but you can't. And you're too stupid to realize you've got another arm.

Charlene: I don't see why Monica's putting herself through this, couldn't she just find another job?
Robbie: You're missing the whole point: Monica's fighting against injustice, struggling for the rights of females everywhere.
Earl: Yeah? Write a song about it.

[as Francois and Baby argue]
Fran: You know, Earl, I'm actually learning a lot about the cultural differences between us and Francois's species. We may be different on the outside, but underneath it all...
[goes to a furious tone]
Fran: ...I really want to kill them! I wanna kill every single one of them!
Earl: Fran, this is the side of you I've never seen before! I wanna take it hunting.
[snickers deviously]

Roy: How was your weekend?
Earl: Oh, I had two days of pure enjoyment all mapped out, then I got home on Friday and remembered I had kids.
Roy: Oh, you had to change your plans, huh?
Earl: No, no, I just turned up the volume on the TV so I couldn't hear the little monsters screaming.

Fran: It's full of germs.
Earl: Trust me, Fran. There's no such thing as germs.

Earl: And your apology would begin how?
Fran: Pots and pans, to cook your dinner in, dinner for YOU, gee I don't know WHERE my apology should begin.

Earl: Daddy-got-a-new-job!
Baby: Can't'-see-the-T-V!
Robbie: Forget it, Dad, his favorite show's on.
Earl: Not anymore.
[shuts TV off]
Baby: [cries] Wanna see Captain Action Figure!
Earl: What's so special about this Captain Action Guy?
Baby: He's my hero!
Earl: What's he got that I don't?
Baby: A TV show! Turn it back on!

Fran: It's too loud!
[turns off the TV]
Fran: And I don't like the values they portray.
Robbie: Mom, you're overreacting.
Baby: Beer! Cigarettes! Chicks!
Robbie: He could've heard that anywhere.
Earl: [arrives] Where is he? Where is he? Ah, there's the birthday boy! Tomorrow's the big day! Yay.
Baby: [chuckles] Yay! Presents! Presents!
Earl: Hey! You betcha! Presents, hats, streamers, the works for your first birthday. Even a pony!
Baby: Pony?
Earl: That's right! A big, juicy one, grilled to perfection.

Earl: Who do you love?
Baby: Mama.
Earl: Who do you love second best?
Baby: Mama.
Earl: Alright, let's try this again. Who is talking to you right now?
Baby: Not the mama!

Earl: [after Robbie and Spike leaves, thinks about what Spike told him] I see it all now - it's all so clear!
Fran: [comes in the kitchen] Earl, is everything all straightened out now?
Earl: You bet it is! It was YOU!
Fran: Me?
Earl: You foul temptress; weaver of spells!
Fran: [offended] What?
Earl: Don't try to cloud my mind! These boys are mere victims of the treachery of you females.
Fran: [furiously] Where's Spike?
Earl: He's right, uh...
[Earl turns around only to see Robbie come back in]
Fran: Did you let Spike just walk out of this room?
Earl: [stammers] Uh, well, I, I, I...
Fran: [goes even more furious] Did you lose control of the entire situation!
Earl: Why lose control? I'm the mighty Megalosaurus!
[Fran growls at him]
Earl: [nervously] Yes, dear...
Fran: Grr... Robbie, go to your room!
Robbie: But dad said I...
Fran: I don't care what your father said! You're grounded until further notice!
Robbie: Okay, okay, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am!
[Robbie rushes to his room]
Robbie: [distantly] Grouch!

Earl: I won't be home for dinner, Roy and I are going down to the mall to cruise the food court...
Robbie: Isn't it a work night?
Earl: But Roy is going.
Robbie: Well I'm not Roy's father. Oh I see, you're testing me. Well I think you're at an age where you're mature enough to make your own decisions.
Earl: Oh cool. Have some wax lips.

Fran: [Regarding Robbies Spikes] Look, it's getting Late Earl, why Can't we just discuss this after Dinner?
Earl: He's not Eating Dinner in My House with those Spikes!
Robbie: Obviously, I can't do anything Right. My Room's a Mess, My Spikes are too long, and My Posture Stinks! I mean... why is it that everything that I do is so wrong?
Earl: I was gonna ask You the same thing...
Robbie: You know, I never asked to be Hatched in this Stupid Family.
Earl: Well then... nobody is keeping You here.
[Earl opens the Door, and Robbie Leaves]
Robbie: FINE!
Earl: [Aloud] Don't You walk away from Me!

Earl: It could happen.

Robbie: These are my schoolbooks.
Charlene: [gasps] My diary!
Earl: Oh, come on now. We all have to make sacrifices if we want to remain a Fernhill family.
Fran: Ugh, that mug! That awful mug is the root of this whole mess. You're lucky you put in that security system or else I'd walk in there right now and smash it to pieces!
Earl: Fran! that mug, as you call it, has made us happier than we've ever been! If you weren't so angry you'd see that! Fran! Fran!
Baby: Bad mug.

Earl: Oh, Charlene.
Charlene: I can't believe this. Monica was right. There is an old boys' network.
Earl: Uh, no, there isn't.
Charlene: I just saw it.
Earl: Okay, there is.
Charlene: That stinks, Daddy.
Earl: Oh, sweetie, honey, cupcake.
[Charlene slaps Earl's hand]
Earl: Ow! Look, it's a male's world out there. I don't like it any more than you do, but, hey, what you gonna do?
Charlene: There's no reason a female can't do the same work a male can.

Baby: [straining] Gotta go.
Earl: No, no.
Elder: And from his mouth shall ring out only the purest truth.
Baby: Gotta go.
Earl: Junior, hold it in.
Elder: Behold the king of the dinosaurs. Behold his brow is knit with wisdom.
Earl: Hey, are you guys serious?
Elder: Behold! He is about to speak!
Baby: I made a big poop.

[Charlene's tail has finally grown in]
Robbie: [laughs in disbelief] What did you do, buy the variety pack?
Charlene: [as Robbie touches her tail] You're wasting your time, Moron-a-saurus. It's real!
Earl: [aghast] 'Real'!
Robbie: [in disgust] What! Oh, no, man! Ugh, I touched my sister's tail!

Fran: Look at this heating bill. It's stamped 'pay now or die'.
Earl: At least they're still giving us a choice.

Fran: Please, we're desperate!
Earl: Yeah.
Grandma: Look, I already told you. He's two, it's terrible, end of story.
Fran: There's nothing we can do? There's no help for us anywhere? Oh, Earl, I don't think I can go on much longer.
[cries]

Earl: You're Him. You're the guy on the cans of devilled ham.
The: Not any more, I'm suing those guys for copyright infringement.

Dr. Ficus: Well, I'll tell you, but please keep in mind I went to school for many years to be a great healer. So when I state the actual figure,
[echoes]
Dr. Ficus: my voice will resonate with such authority and confidence you'll instantly feel you're doing the right thing.
Earl: I instantly feel I'm doing the right thing.
Dr. Ficus: One thousand dollars.
Earl: One thousand dollars.
Fran: Goodness, that's just an awful lot of money.
Dr. Ficus: It's a miracle of the modern age. We call it the blue medicine. He'll drink it tonight and be better by morning... most likely.
Fran: Are you sure it's going to work?
Dr. Ficus: It's blue.

Earl: [as new shows with foul language show on TV] TV has become the cesspool of vulgarity.

Earl: Good morning, my family who loves me.
Baby: Not the mama.
Earl: All right, that ends right now. I've had it up to here with this "not the mama". I am not "not the nama", I'm your daddy, and you only get one, buster, and that's what you're gonna call me. Daddy. Now say "Daddy".
[Baby refuses]
Earl: Say "Daddy".
[Baby still refuses]
Earl: Okay, all right, all right. Say "da".
Baby: Da.
Earl: Say "dee".
Baby: Dee.
Earl: Da...
Baby: Da...
Earl: Dee.
Baby: Dee.
Earl: Daddy!
Baby: Daddy!
Earl: Frannie!
Baby: Daddy.
Earl: [chuckles] Fran!
Baby: Daddy.
Earl: He loves me, listen to him!
Baby: Daddy, Daddy!
[sings]
Baby: Daddy, Da-Daddy, Da-Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. NOT THE MAMA!

Earl: Fran, it's a nightmare out there, our boys are getting their eyes poked out! Everything we've been told is a lie!

Fran: Robbie, show your father your report card.
[goes to answer phone]
Earl: Hit me with it.
Fran: [on phone] Charlene? What?
Earl: [reading report card] F, F, F, F, F, M... M? What's an M?
Robbie: Well, halfway through grading me, the teacher forgot the alphabet.
Fran: Earl! It's Charlene, she needs a ride home.
[hangs up]
Fran: She can't remember where we live!
Earl: That doesn't prove a thing, she never was the brightest kid.
Fran: Earl, you've got to put smarter shows on the air! Everyone's gotten TOO dumb!

Earl: I'm sorry I ruined your first Refrigerator Day. Go ahead, Junior. Bang my head real hard with this pot.
Baby: That's gettin' old.

Fran: Earl, what are you doing with that shovel?
Earl: Shovel? Um, Franny, life is like the tide. It goes in, it goes out. It washes out the old and washes in the new... I used it to bury your mother.

Roy: Fran, I'm sure this must be a little awkward for you, so, uh, if you don't wanna sleep together for the first couple of nights, I understand.
Fran: Earl!
Earl: Roy, you're sleeping on the sofa for as long as you're here.
Roy: Gee, you sure that's okay with Mr. Richfield?

Earl: You stay away from my son you pea pusher.
Robbie: Dad, so what if they eat a few peas? They're proud of who they are. You know, I have a dream that someday a dinosaur will be judged, not by the contents of his lunchbox, but the quality of his character.

Insurance: Mr. Sinclair, I would appraise the damages here at about...
Earl: Don't try and cheat me on this, 'cause I know you insurance guys. You have absolutely no ethics.
Insurance: Well how much would you say your television set was worth?
Earl: Ten thousand dollars. Good thing I popped for that extra meteor coverage, huh?

Earl: What's all this fuzzy stuff? This must be a dream.
[a floating cake appears]
Earl: Ooh, this is the cake dream.
[Doorbell rings]
Earl: That'll be the centerfold girls.
[Fran is at the door]
Earl: Fran, you're not supposed to be here.
Fran: The centerfold girls aren't coming.
Earl: But this is my cake dream.
Fran: Your conscience is intruding, Earl, you know you don't deserve the cake dream.

[Said at the beginning of each episode]
Earl: Honey, I'm home!

Zabar: Behold! The child is cured.
Fran: Look! The spots, they're gone. He's back to normal.
Earl: Wait. I'll be the judge of that. Do you happen to have a frying pan on you?
Zabar: I do.
Fran: Oh.
Earl: Wow. Thanks. Here, son.
[gives the frying pan to Baby Sinclair]
Earl: Now, are you all right? Do you know who I am?
[Baby Sinclair hits Earl Sinclair with a frying pan]
Earl: Ow!
Baby: Not the mama!
[all laughing]
Fran: It's so good to have our little boy back, isn't it, Earl?
Earl: It sure is. And I guess I owe a big debt of gratitude to you, Fran, for not losing hope. And to Zabar there for saving the kid's life.
Zabar: Don't mention it.
Earl: And... ..that's it.

B.P. Richfield: SINCLAIR. I oughta kill you and your whole family, but I'd probably get in trouble with the union. As it is, there's only one thing I can do to you: you're fired, Sinclair, fired, fired, FIRED.
Earl: Fired? That means I don't have to come to work anymore. Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.

Earl: Dinosaurs. Big laughs. Small brains.

TV: The Friendly Bunny will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you the following brand new program quickly thrown together in a shameless grab for ratings.
Earl: Oh this should be good.
TV: It's the Smoo Show!
Baby: *Smoo*!

Earl: It's quite simple. You have to be selective in order to be effective.
Fran: Oh shut up.

[the Baby had run away on Ethyl's wheelchair. Finding the clues, Earl slowly discovers something]
Earl: Some fiend broke in, flushed the baby down the toilet, drank his juice and escaped on Ethyl's wheelchair. And yet he didn't take my wallet
[picking it up from the counter]
Earl: We're obviously dealing with somebody very stupid.

Fran: Honey, you have to earn his love.
Earl: That could take years. I want his love now. Genuine and unconditional. And I'm willing to pay for it.

Earl: [as Baby begins to take off his diaper] I'm warning you! I may not be a licensed parent, but I'm still the adult here. And I'm telling!

Earl: You ever come here again I'll feed you to my family!
Roy: Yeah? Then I won't!
Earl: Good!
Roy: Fine!
Earl: Fine!
Roy: Good!
Robbie: [reading from the book of dinosaurs] Only by howling do we defeat the dark spirit which will turn dinosaur... against dinosaur... oh!

Robbie: Dad, after you throw grandma into the tar pit, is there life after that?
Earl: For me there is.

Earl: School is not for asking questions, it's a place you go to be out of this house.

Earl: I'm 43 years old and I've never been to Europe.

Agent: Good afternoon, citizens.
Agent: Hail the Potato.
Earl: Hail.
Fran: Hail.
Agent: Son, we understand you're finding the transition to Potato-ism fraught and difficult.
Earl: Yeah.
Agent: It can be an anxious and puzzling time.
Agent: We're here to help.
Robbie: [the agents struggle Robbie Sinclair] Ow! Hey! Get your hands off me!
Fran: Earl, they're hurting him. Shouldn't we stop them?
Agent: The answer's no, lady. Look it up.
Robbie: Aw! Mom, Dad. Don't you see what's happening?
[the agents put toilet paper in his mouth and Fran gasps]
Agent: There you go. No more troubling questions.

Robbie: Gee, Dad, I thought you loved the dome. You said it was going to make us rich.
Earl: Yeah well now it's going to make us need plastic surgery and a relocation program.
Robbie: You can't possibly believe that.
Baby: [wearing a disguise] Not the baby!

Robbie: Mommy, tell him to be supreme male again.
Earl: Can't make me.
Fran: Alright, that's enough from both of you.
[to Earl]
Fran: He can't handle the household, and it's time you started acting like an adult again.
Earl: Don't wanna!
Fran: We're going right down to the Office of Male Supremecy and get you reinstated as head of the house.
Earl: [childishly] Why should I?

Robbie: [Earl decides to fight Gary] Dad, are you sure about this? You saw Gary's sock.
Earl: Bring on his socks, bring on his shorts, bring on the whole hamper!

[Earl is consoling Charlene after her date dumps her]
Earl: How'd I do, Fran?
Fran: Well... "not the mama", but you'll do in a pinch.

Dr. Herder: Terrible twos.
Fran: We think so.
Dr. Herder: Oh, I've seen this a hundred times before. A child of two is looking for his parents to give him some concrete boundaries. So I suggest you wall him up inside a cave for a year.
Dr. Herder: [gives the letter to Earl Sinclair] Here. Take this to the hardware store, they'll give you cement and a trowel.
Earl: Doc, can I get a refill for this if he claws his way out?
Fran: We are not cementing our baby into a cave.

Robbie: There is something I've been thinking about and I wouldn't mind hearing what the family thinks. I'm a little confused about the nature of reality.
Earl: ...No kidding?
Robbie: Right, like if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's around to see it or hear it, did it actually fall?
Fran: Ooh, now that IS intriguing. Who can build on that?
[Earl gets up and heads out of the room]
Fran: Where are you going?
Earl: I'm going to see if the tree fell. I'll be back in a couple of days.
Fran: If you leave this house, I will NEVER talk to you again.
Earl: Throw in the rest of the family and you got yourself a deal.
[Fran gasps]

Officer: [to Earl] Mr. Sinclair, what are you doing?
Earl: Well, he told me his imaginary friend was scarring him. So, I took out my imaginary gun and blew off his imaginary head.
Baby: You killed him, you killed Snookey!
Earl: [to Baby] Your daddy fixed it, he's so dead.
Baby: No, No, No, No, No!

[Ethyl has died the second time and into the afterlife]
Louie: [echoing] Ethyl! Ethyl!
[Ethyl sees her late husband in a bubble]
Ethyl: Louie, is that really you?
Louie: Hiya, cupcake!
Ethyl: Oh, Louie it's so good to see you! Am I finally good and dead?
Louie: Not yet.
Ethyl: Oh, will you guys stop jerking my chain! I'm dead, I'm alive, I'm dead, I'm alive. If I wake up with dirt in my mouth again...
Louie: Take it easy, cupcake, they sent me here with a message: stop pushing the afterlife.
Ethyl: But Louie, it's so beautiful up here.
Louie: It's just as beautiful where you are, Ethyl. It's more beautiful, because it's life; and you only get a little bit of it. And if you don't live every day of your life to the fullest, you have an eternity to regret it.
Ethyl: But Louie, I miss you.
Louie: I miss you too, sweetheart. But it's not your time yet.
Ethyl: Will we be together, Louie?
Louie: Soon enough, cupcake, but you've got to go back now; and stop trying to make a buck off the afterlife. Dinosaurs who sell the afterlife may not ever see the afterlife. They may end up someplace not so nice. Look what's waiting for you.
[Louie shows Ethyl a door titled 'Place Not So Nice', as it opens, five replicas of Earl Sinclair are in the family room]
Earl: [five, in unison] Hi, Ethyl! Come on in!
Ethyl: [screams] *No*!

Police: [angrily] Now release those kids, dirtbag! Or we'll turn you off like a light switch!
Monster: If I go, they go with me!
Police: You don't have the guts! I dare ya! Go ahead, scaredy-pants, do it! Do it! Do it.
[the monster roars]
Police: [Earl groans] He's clearly unstable. We'd better move in.
[Earl whimpers]
Earl: [guns cocking] Ahh!

Earl: [the Baby's reaching for the remote] Don't you touch that remote.
[Baby grabs it]
Earl: Don't you pick it up.
[Baby picks it up]
Earl: You turn off that television, and you're gonna be one sorry little dinosaur.
Baby: [turns off TV and pops up] I'm sorry.
Earl: Give that back.
Baby: Story.
Earl: No story.
Baby: Story.
Earl: No story.
Baby: Story.
Earl: No story, gimme that back.
[Baby hits Earl with the remote]
Earl: Once upon a time, dinosaurs didn't have families. They lived in the woods, and ate their children, and it was a golden age.

Robbie: Dad, you're going to coat the entire continent with poison? Isn't there some safer alternative?
Earl: Like what?
Charlene: Well, trim back the vines as much as we can, live with a little discomfort, and hope that nature eventually restores the balance.
Earl: That's inconvenient and time consuming, my idea is exciting and high tech.
Robbie: Yeah but have you tested this stuff to make sure it's safe?

Fran: Maybe I've learned something today. Good parenting does come from here.
[points to heart]
Fran: But when you need a little help, you can find it here.
[points to parenting manual]
Earl: So you're saying it's not black or white, it's a little bit of both? Gee, now there's something you don't see on TV.

Earl: Hey Fran, are you Happy?
Fran: Well... I would be a lot Happier if you were on your way to Work.
Earl: Then I'm on my way to Work...
[stops for a long Pause]
Fran: What's wrong, Earl?
Earl: I just realized that... I'm not wearing any Pants.

Director: [points to Roy] I like this guy.
Earl: He isn't even a family.
Roy: I am too. I'm a family of one. We get along just fine.

Earl: I confessed I was a boob on national television.
Fran: You could still win, Earl. Lot's of boobs vote and they need representation too.

Fran: Maybe I've learned something today. Good parenting does come from here
[points to heart]
Fran: but when you need a little help, you can find it here
[points to parenting manual]
Fran: .
Earl: Gee, now there's something you don't see on TV.

Earl: Boy, the fun begins early.
Ticket: All righty. Here are your tickets. You owe us 2,000 Moo Dollars.

Robbie: I don't know, Dad, what's this got to do with my life?
Earl: Well it says right here, 'Only by the howling do we defeat the dark spirit which will turn dinosaur against dinosaur and bring an end to our days on Earth'.
Robbie: And you buy that?
Earl: Hey, this book's been around a million years and you've been around what, 15 years? Guess who wins.
Robbie: But it doesn't make sense, Dad. Today I'm just a kid, but tomorrow I climb up the mountain and yell at the moon, and that makes me a grownup, why?
Earl: Because your mother sent out 150 invitations and we've got a dead rhino and 10 tons of potato salad downstairs!

Decker: [after the hostage situation is resolved without violence] That gets us home by 6.
Fran: Isn't it wonderful, Earl?
Earl: Well, I don't know how I should feel until TV tells me to.
Decker: Stay tuned for the movie of the week, based on this incident, but with a much more exciting ending. And nudity.

Baby: Smoo.
B.P. Richfield: What did he call me?
Earl: Uh... He said Lou. You see he thinks of you as his sweet Uncle Lou.
B.P. Richfield: My name is not Lou.
Earl: I know but don't you find the uncle part endearing?

Robbie: Dad, you're not being rational.
Earl: Oh and I suppose the crazed mob on the front lawn isn't rational either?

Earl: [about the baby's drawing] That's just a shapeless green blob.
Baby: I call it Daddy!
[Earl glares at him]
Fran: We're going to put this picture of Daddy up on the refrigerator.
Baby: Okay!

Robbie: How could not howling at the moon bring an end to our days on earth?
Earl: Because if you don't howl, I'll kill ya.

Earl: No more pesky thoughts in this little head.

Earl: [to Gary] Maybe you should just go back where you came from.
Fran: And put those pine trees back where you found them!

Richard: So, had yourself a little pageant, huh?
Earl: A little pageant? We just had ourselves the most wonderful pageant imaginable. It had significance. It had sincere family value. It had a spirituality that made me realize what this holiday is all about.
Richard: The one we do at the department store has an orchestra and lasers.
Earl: Ooh!
Fran: Earl!

Absolute: The green baby goes to the Sinclairs, and the pink baby belongs to the Molehills. Science has spoken. Now, take your babies, go home, and live the rest of your lives.
Earl: [in the house] All right, son. I'll toss you the ball and you'll hit it.
Aubrey: As you wish, Father.
Earl: Batter up.
[throws the ball at Aubrey Molehill]
Earl: Oh! Oh!
Aubrey: Oh! Heavens, missed that one. Oh! Another of my nose bleeds.
Earl: Oh! Bad throw. Sorry. Oh! Oh, oh!
Aubrey: Oh, if you could get me a tissue.
Earl: Oh, Robbie, get your brother a tissue.
Robbie: Aw, jeez, is he bleeding again?
Aubrey: I have a weak nasal membrane.
Earl: He's got a membrane. Get him a tissue!
Robbie: That's all I do is bring tissues and Q-tips and cotton balls.
Aubrey: Could I trouble you for tweezers? I believe I've gotten a splinter from this rough-hewn bat.
Robbie: Shh. Don't talk. You'll pull a muscle.
Earl: Hmm?
Aubrey: Hmm?
Earl: Uh, tell you what. Let's play something a little less physical.
Aubrey: All right.
Earl: How about a game of peek-a-boo?
Aubrey: Okay.
Earl: All right. Now, you cover your eyes.
Aubrey: Mm-hmm.
[covers his eyes]
Earl: Now I'll cover mine.
[covers his eyes too]
Earl: Now, where's Daddy? Where did he go?
[laughs]
Aubrey: Father! Father! Where have you gone?
Earl: Huh? Huh?
Aubrey: Oh, oh! Don't abandon me!
[gasps]
Aubrey: I'm having an asthma attack!
Earl: It's all right. I'm here. Daddy's here!
Aubrey: Where's my inhaler?
Earl: Inhaler? Inhaler? Oh. Ah! Here it is. Here it is.
[inhaler puffs]
Aubrey: Ah! What a cruel, cruel game. I felt so alone. Promise me you'll never play that again, Father.
Earl: I promise, I promise, just don't bleed.

Earl: Frannie, will you just for one night forget you're a female so I can get romantic with you?

Robbie: [Robbie confronts Earl at the miniature golf course] I am fed up! I HAVE HAD IT! I can't take it anymore! There's bills... and... and the taxes... and the baby... and...
Roy: Maybe we should let the next foursome play through.
Earl: [Robbie is crying] There, there, son. I know exactly what you're trying to say. You have had a rough time being supreme male, what with the job and the household and the responsibilities way past your years.
Robbie: And the baby... hit me on the head... with a big heavy...
Earl: Round thing, yeah. And you want me to take over again as head of the household so you can go back to being the carefree teenager again. Is that right?
Robbie: Yes, Daddy.
Earl: Well forget it! Now get off my lane, I'm putting for birdie.
Robbie: But you have to take over!
Earl: Not a chance! I'm having the time of my life and nothing's gonna make me give it up.
P.A. Announcer: Earl Sinclair, more bad news. Your wife's here.
Roy: Gee, this really is a family fun center.

Earl: [the family's huddled in the dark covered in blankets and using flashlights] Do you hear that?
Fran: No, what?
Earl: Shh, a low grumbling, like the earth getting ready to open up and swallow us. Don't you hear it?
Robbie: [unfazed] It's the icemaker.
Earl: Quiet you! You brought about a cataclysm against all life on Earth and I don't want to hear another word out of you!
Baby: Are we dead yet?
Fran: No.
Baby: Oh... when we gonna be dead?
Fran: Very soon dear.
Charlene: My, my flashlight went out! I think the batteries are dead!
Earl: Dead, they're dead! It's starting, the batteries are always the first to go!
Grandma: Earl, come here, let me tell you something.
Earl: What? What?
Grandma: [hits him with her cane] Get a hold of yourself!

Fran: Thank you so much for coming.
Earl: You want to hear some background on the case?
Babysitter: That is of no use to me. The child is two years old?
Earl: Yes.
Babysitter: May heaven have mercy upon this house. Follow me. Hmm. Yes. Yes.

Earl: Fran, I have been waiting in that car with your mother for ten minutes. Just your mother and me. In the car. Ten... minutes. AAAAAAAHAHHHHHH!

Earl: [Earl is reading an apology card to Fran] What can I say? I've ruined your day / and made you all angry and surly / How could I make such a thoughtless mistake / And bury your mother, too early?
[Fran doesn't respond]
Earl: Aw, come on, Fran! They wouldn't make the card, if this didn't happen all the time!

Fran: Think about what we *do* have: a house, and a loving family. If you think about it my way, we're blessed.
Earl: If you think about it my way, you'd go to the garage to hang yourself.

Gus: Boy, did that hurt, huh, Earl?
Earl: That didn't hurt a bit.

Earl: I know they just crawled out of the sludge and I hate to be critical of other life forms, but God, I hate lawyers.

Robbie: Everyday it's the same thing. He comes home and says "Franny, get me a beer." And then he yells at me.
Earl: Oh not true. Sometimes I yell at you first.

Roy: You're a lucky fella, Earl. A beautiful family and a TV with a modern, adequate sound system.
Earl: Yeah, I'm really proud of that TV.

Ted: [after Earl's quality TV makes dinosaurs so smart they stop watching TV] The public's gotten too smart.
Stu: [groaning] Doh, they're all reading books!
Ted: They don't need us anymore! There must be a way to make them dumb again!
Stu: We could drug them, something in the water supply.
Ted: We don't have the budget for that.
Stu: Fine, we'll just hit everyone in the head with a brick!
Earl: You guys are evil! I put on the dumb shows because I liked them, then I put the smart shows on to save the world. You guys have an opportunity to speak to millions and millions of dinosaurs. But you don't care WHAT you put on the air, all you care about is ratings!

Earl: [repeated line, watching new hit TV shows] I don't get it.

Earl: I got fired a week ago. oh, it was the happiest moment of my life. No wait, this is. No wait, thi...
Fran: Stop that! You've been leaving the house every morning. Where have you been going?
Earl: Well for the first couple of days I just stood in the driveway. But after a while that stopped being fulfilling. So, I decided to improve myself. I've been going back to school.
Fran: You mean high school?
Earl: Well I started off in high school, but I got sent back to junior high. It wasn't so much the academics, I just had trouble socially.
Fran: This is crazy.
Earl: No, no, it's okay. Now I'm passed by awkward phase. I'm making friends. Hey, I'm even going out for cheerleader! Fight'em! Fight'em!

Officer: [the police officers kick in the door] Ha! You! You're under arrest!
[all gasp]
Earl: What for?
Officer: Copyright infringement. You messed with the wrong hippo, pal.
Earl: Wait, wait...
Officer: That's right.
[indistinct shouting]
Officer: Don't make this any harder on yourself.
[the police officers arrest Earl]
Baby: Hey, don't touch him! That's Georgie!

Baby: Then what happened?
Earl: I went to work.
Baby: Why?
Earl: Because your mother makes me.
Baby: Am I at work?
Earl: No.
Baby: Am I at work?
Earl: No.
Baby: Am I at work?
Earl: Yes, yes.
Baby: No, I'm not.

Earl: This is terrible. I've failed my family. I'm nothing. I'm dirt.
Robbie: You're not dirt, Dad.
Earl: No, you're right, I'm beneath dirt. I look up to dirt. I wish I was dirt. Dirt laughs at me!
Fran: Earl, it'll be okay.
Earl: No it won't, Fran. This is gonna be the worst Refrigerator Day EVER.

[staring at a suggestion box]
Roy: Well, what do you think it is?
Earl: I have no idea. I mean, it says "suggestions."
Roy: Well, I could use a suggestion
[puts head near box]
Earl: What's it saying?
Roy: Hmm, nothing yet.
[to box]
Roy: Hello? This is Roy, what do you suggest?
B.P. Richfield: I suggest that you are a complete idiot!
Roy: [to Earl] Okay. Your turn.
B.P. Richfield: Do I have to explain everything?
Roy: Yes, sir, apparently so.
B.P. Richfield: Look, the head office thinks we can benefit from listening to our employees.
Earl: Yeah, but we know better, right sir?
B.P. Richfield: Yeah we do. Nevertheless, should the day come when you guys actually have a thought in your head, put it in the box.
[Earl and Roy turn to the box again]
Roy: [muttering] How am I going to fit my head in the box?
B.P. Richfield: [disgusted] Write the idea on a piece of paper, and put the paper in the box! Ugh!
Roy: Jeez
Earl: Easy for him to say, he's got the directions.
Roy: Well, I suggest a simpler box.

Earl: Fran, I'm home, I'm hungry. I'm stuck in the door again.

Fran: They're throwing dirt clods?
Roy: Let 'em, our boys are gonna be throwing sticks.
Fran: Sticks! Somebody could put out an eye. Earl, I want you to go there and bring Robbie home.
Earl: Frannie, sweetheart, that's not possible.
Fran: Why not? Our son could be in danger!
Earl: Frannie, it's a military operation. No one's allowed up there, no mommies, no daddies, just soldiers.
Charlene: And USO girls like me.
[Fran looks at Earl and Roy in consideration]

Earl: They're a big company, Fran, I think they know what they're doing.
Robbie: Gee, Dad, it sounds like you've been brainwashed or something.
Earl: Exactly, and that brainwashing has put the food on the table and the clothes on your back.
Fran: And now the suitcase in your hand.
Earl: And a darn nice suitcase it is.

Edward R. Hero: [chief elder] I decree that henceforth, this child shall be called... Uh...
Baby: I'm the Baby, gotta love me.
Edward R. Hero: Baby. Baby Sinciar. Yes. It sorta fits.
Fran: Baby? Oh what a beautiful name.
Earl: Baby? I could've done this job!

Fran: [repeated lines when Earl is in trouble] Earl Snead Sinclair!
Earl: Oh, God, my whole name.

Earl: I discover a whole new world and nobody even cares!
Baby: Yaaaaayyy!
Earl: There, you see? He knows how to show me some respect.
Baby: Mama discovered new world!
Earl: No, not Mama, Daddy, Daddy discovered new world.
Baby: What did Mama do?
Earl: Nothing.
Baby: Nothing, yaaaayyy! Mama did nothing! Mama did nothing! Ha ha ha!

B.P. Richfield: Well, if it isn't the Sinclairs. What a delightful looking family you have, Earl.
Earl: Oh, well let me introduce them...
B.P. Richfield: Not interested! SIT DOWN!

Fran: You promised him, Earl.
Earl: Oh, fine! Pack up the kid! Let's go.
Baby: Yay!

Fran: Earl, do you have to spend every spare second reading that manual? It's just a car.
Earl: Frannie, you are such a female. First of all, it's a brand new car, and as such, it is a reflection of who I am.
Fran: It is a bulky, bottom-of-the-line fuel guzzler with no pick-up, no options, and it's completely owned by the bank.
Earl: Love you, too.

Earl: I did what I was supposed to do.
Fran: You did what the company told you to do.
Earl: Well what did you expect me to say to them, "I can't start a whole new life because I've got a family." They'd make fun of me.
Fran: Well I guess you've made your decision.

Police: Monster under the bed. We get them all the time, ma'am.
Earl: Really? What kind of a monster is it?
Police: Well.
Decker: From the physical evidence, I'd say the subject is a male, webbed claws, about 300 pounds, lots of spooky, little, googly eyes all over its head.
Fran: Oh!
Decker: I'm just guessing on the eye thing.
Police: Now try and stay calm, Mrs. Sinclair. This situation is under control. Your children are in the competent hands of trained law enforcement professionals.

Earl: I mean you don't need a license to go fishing or own a gun, but being a parent, for that you need a license.

Narrator: ...Ethyl's seemingly dead body was being buried by simple-minded son-in-law Earl, and his dim-witted friend Ray.
Roy: Hey! That's an ourage! They got my name wrong.
Earl: That is supposed to be me? That doesn't even look anything like me!
Baby: Not the mama!
Earl: And why are we watching this show anyway? I wanna watch the puppet show on the other channel.
Fran: That's a kid's show.
Earl: Not so. They do some very sophisticated juxtapositions of reality.
Fran: It'll last a year.

Roy: Well, I'm leaving, Mr. Former Pally-Boy. Never to return again. Goodbye.
[Roy leaves]
Earl: Good riddance!
[Earl leaves]

Earl: If he's so wise, how come he doesn't have a house?

Howard: [In Robbie's thoughts] And, on this unexpected holiday from school, thousands of very cool guys and totally hot babes spent the day frollicking in the ash. Having what many describe as "the MOST FUN EVER."
Robbie: Alright, that's it. I'm going outside.
Fran: [In Robbie's thoughts] I want you to stay in your room, finish that assignment, and have no fun for the rest of your life.
Robbie: Isn't she terrific? My mother, ladies and gentlemen?
Earl: [In Robbie's thoughts] How about a hand for the guy paying these heating bills?
Fran: Earl, get out of Robbie's thoughts and pay those bills.
Earl: Yes, dear. Sheesh.

Jean: We have sacrificed everything.
Brigitte: Yes. Will you join our noble quest?
Earl: Uh, I'm not sure. I don't think I could do the accent.
Brigitte: Oh, that is unimportant. All that is necessary is a passion for justice. Not even a kiss?

Baby: Tell me a story or no one sleeps!
Earl: Okay.
[sighs]

[Earl had just gone into the kitchen to say hi to Ethyl]
Roy: How did it go?
Earl: It was one of the most pleasant conversations we've ever had. She wasn't rude. She wasn't obnoxious. She didn't hit me... Oh my God, she's dead.

Baby: Hi Captain Impressive! Will you autograph the trachea plug for me?
Earl: Baby, why would you want something so dangerous?
Baby: Because it's got YOUR name on it, and you're my HERO!
Earl: I WANTED to be your hero, but not to sell you things.
Baby: You got sneakers with a pump?

Salesman: Cap'n Willy, the old salt. A collectable mug from the world famous Fernhill Mint. Now you'd probably expect to pay a lot for a hand crafted work of art like this, and you'd be right. It's absurdly expensive. But can you really afford to live without it?
Earl: No.
Salesman: Then call now. And please be patient as we check your credit. Only the select few can qualify for ownership of this limited edition master work.
Earl: [Oh phone] Hello.
Phone: Name?
Earl: Earl Sinclair...
[click]
Earl: Hello?

B.P. Richfield: [about Earl's Fernhill mug] Who said you could own one of those things?
Earl: If I'm not mistaken, sir, I believe I am entitled to have possessions.
B.P. Richfield: I suppose there's no way I could keep you from it. Legally.

Earl: This is female's work. That's why I married a female.
Fran: [Growing impatient] We'll discuss this later. I don't want to lose my temper in front of the B-A-B-Y.
Earl: Alright, but I'm telling you right now, I'm not changing anymore D-I-P... No wait a minute, uh... D-A-I-... uh, no...
[the Baby spells out "They think I can't spell" with his blocks and chuckles]

Earl: Hi there, little fella.
Aubrey: Juice?
[Earl gasps]
Aubrey: Is something wrong?
Earl: You're not going to hit me?
Aubrey: Dear me, no! I just thought you might enjoy a beverage. It's quite refreshing.

Officer: Hello, I'm Dr. Brazzelton, and I have to give your child a very scary and painful shot.
Earl: [to Baby] There was one little boy who wouldn't let the doctor give him a shot. And you know what happened to him? His toes fell off, his eyes melted, and his head swelled up.
[Baby faints]
Earl: Okay, Doc, he's out, stick 'im.

Earl: You hear that? You've corrupted them. Now I want you out of my house and out of our lives.
Pearl: Oh, why don't you lighten up?
Charlene: Yeah.
Earl: Lighten up? Oh. You kids would like that, wouldn't you? You'd like it if I acted like Pearl. Sashay into town, sing a few songs, give everyone a good time. You'd all just love that.
Charlene: It'd be a big improvement.
Robbie: Yeah. We'd like you better.
Fran: Sounds exciting.
Pearl: Yeah.
Earl: Well, Pearl. I hope you're satisfied. You've successfully turned my family against me.
Charlene: Huh?
Earl: Your work here is done.
Pearl: I'm not turning anybody against you, Earl. You've done that all by yourself. Huh.
[Pearl Sinclair leaves]

Earl: [loses it, about Charlene's new tail] She's a tomato!

Robbie: Stop it! You're adults. Can't you settle this like adults?
Earl: With what, weapons?
Gus: Costly litigation?

Glenda: He spit up all over the carpet!
Earl: What toddler hasn't?
Glenda: After eating a cat!
[door opens]
Aubrey: Ew.

Baby: Daddy!
Earl: What?
Baby: Play a game?
Earl: Okay.
Baby: Goody!
Earl: Let's play, Where's Daddy.

Charlene: I'm carnivorous, Daddy, I'll eat anything that moves.
[opens the fridge]
Charlene: It's Charlene.
[creatures scream]
Earl: Charlene, you are now my new son.
Charlene: Thanks, Daddy, can I have money for lipstick?
Earl: Of course, son.

Robbie: Can I have a moment's peace? I was at work all day.
Fran: Robbie, you are the supreme male. These are your responsibilities now. If you can't handle them, maybe you should turn them over to someone with more maturity.
Earl: [wearing goofy glasses] Whoa, Fran, I can see your underwear.

Fran: Alcohol's not the answer, it only just makes things worse. You just need to overcome your senses, and I made you your favorite dish: food.
[Fran brings it to Earl]
Earl: [pushes it away, solemnly] Oh, Frannie, I can't eat, I can't go to work. There's no point. My life's a sham.
Fran: [furiously] Earl Sneed Sinclair!
[Fran smashes the bowl of food on the floor which scares Earl]
Fran: Sometimes you make me so MAD!
Earl: Okay, okay, I'll eat. But do you have a dress to go with this hat?
Fran: You have a wonderful life and a wonderful family, but if you can't see that for yourself, you can just stay in bed forever!
[Fran leaves]
Fran: [to herself] I bring him his lunch, but no!

Assistant: A little girl is trapped down a well. She needs your words of encouragement.
Earl: [into the phone] You're trapped down a well? That's terrible.

Earl: Junior, have we made a little deposit in the porcelain bank?

Earl: [singsong] Look who's home!
[Baby turns his head and glares at Earl]
Baby: [demonic voice] Not the Mama!
[Baby rotates his head back as he growls]

Baby: [squirming in his high chair] My diaper's itching. I think I'll... take it off.
Earl: [looking up from his parent's manual] Don't you dare!

Earl: Why am I so selfish? Why?
Robbie: I see something, hand me the binoculars.
Earl: No, they're mine.

Earl: Robbie, ask me another one.
Robbie: Dad, you haven't gotten one right yet.
Earl: I'm finding my rhythm. Go ahead, ask me. Ask me.
Robbie: Okay, okay, what can fish do under water that dinosaurs can't?
Earl: Sing.
Robbie: Wrong. Breathe.
Earl: We can't breathe under water? That stinks.

Earl: I'll let you know a little secret. If you take off the mask and cape and the funny costume, sometimes you find a real hero underneath.
Baby: ...Looks like you.
Earl: That's the point. You see daddies are heroes too, and mommies. We may not have heat vision but we go to back breaking, mind numbing jobs, so you can grow up comfortably and have some nice things in your life. It may not be flashy, but it's real.

Fran: I've changed every diaper in this house for the past 15 years and now, it's YOUR turn.
Earl: Well, we're skipping my turn.
Baby: I'm not getting any fresher over here.
Robbie: You know, Dad, Mom's got a point. It is kinda sexist to expect her to change all the diapers because she's a female.
Earl: Well, we don't wanna be sexist, now do we, son? Here,
[hands him diaper]
Earl: Knock yourself out.

Earl: What color is it and how much does it cost?
Zabar: Fortunately it is simple, widely available, and costs nothing. To rid the child's body of the wicked contaminant, he must eat moldy bread.
Earl: Moldy bread, huh?

Earl: [studying his parent's manual while Baby chants gibberish] Do you mind? I'm trying to study!

[Potty training Baby]
Earl: Now, imagine there's a fire and you are the fire captain. No. No. No. I'm not the fire. The fire's over there.

Fran: It's just for the rest of her life, how long could that be?
Earl: I don't know, Fran, nobody ever died of old age.
Grandma: You know... I feel like I could live to be a million.

Charlene: I'm carnivorous, Daddy, I'll eat anything that moves.
[opens the fridge]
Charlene: It's Charlene.
[the creatures scream]
Earl: Charlene, you are now my new son.
Charlene: Thanks, Daddy, can I have money for lipstick?

Roy: We should be able to figure this out.
Earl: Yeah, we've got brains the size of walnuts.

Baby: I said something. Was it... .Smoo?
Fran: We don't say that word.
Baby: Why?
Grandma: Because it's a bad word.
Baby: Why?
Grandma: Because it's dirty.
Baby: Why?
Grandma: Ask your mother.
Baby: Why?
Fran: Uh... .it means... .well, it means... . it means the bottom of a dinosaur's feet. And feet touch the ground and get dirty so... . it's a dirty word and nice dinosaurs don't say it.
Baby: Why?
Fran: Because it's not nice. And it certainly doesn't belong on TV.
[both chuckling]
Earl: Oh, Fran, lighten up. You think dinosaurs have so little going on in their lives, that they'd really care about one little word some guy says on TV?

Earl: [stammers as Georgie] Georgie will be right back, kids!

Earl: Maybe we went a little overboard with the poison.
Charlene: A little? Your stupid spray killed all plant life!
Earl: Hey, what are you complaining about? You never liked salads anyway.
Robbie: You've destroyed the global food chain! No plants means no food at all!
Earl: Nonsense! There's a wide variety of commercial snack foods which have virtually no natural ingredients.
Fran: Earl, we can't live on Ho-Ho's!
Baby: I can!

Fran: Earl, it's a school night, the children have homework to do.
Earl: Why?
Fran: Because if all they do is watch TV, they'll never amount to anything.
Earl: [sarcastically] Oh, you're right, Fran, I do nothing but watch TV and *I* don't have a great job. Oh wait, I dooooo!
[singsong]
Earl: I have a great job, I have a great job!

Charlene: [Ethyl's unconscious] Grandma, can you say something?
Robbie: Hey look, look, I think she's coming around.
Earl: No no no no no, no the hole's already dug, let's get on with it.
Ethyl: Not so fast fat boy.
[takes Earl's shovel and hits him in the face with it]
Earl: [groans] I knew I should've had her cremated.
[falls down unconscious]
Ethyl: .Where am I?
Robbie: Grandma, we brought you home from the station. We were worried.
Charlene: Yeah, we better call your producer, I mean he thought you were dead.
Ethyl: Let him think whatever he wants, I'm not going back.
Fran: But why, Mom? I thought you loved talking about the afterlife.
Ethyl: I do, Fran, but if I'm ever gonna go back, I can't just sit around watching the grass grow. What I'm going to do is enjoy life and love each and every one of you... starting tomorrow.
Fran: Why not today?
Ethyl: Because today, there's a perfectly good hole in the backyard and we're gonna bury fat boy in it.
Earl: [comes around] What?
[Ethyl hits him with the shovel again and he's knocked unconscious]
Baby: Again!
[hits his toy dinosaur on the head with a toy shovel and laughs]

Earl: There's so much I don't know about running a house. For example, on these frozen dinners, when they say preheat the oven, do they mean the whole oven or just the space inside it?

Baby: Mama. Not the mama. It's my birthday?
Fran: That's right, sweetheart. You're not two anymore. You're three years old. Now blow out your birthday candles.
Baby: Yeah, yeah! Okay.
[blows out his birthday candles, and the family cheers]
Baby: I'm starving. How about some cake?
Earl: Aww. It's great to have you back, son.

Earl: Nobody talk about... you know what.
Baby: What can't we talk about?
Earl: Nobody tell him.
Baby: Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!
Earl: [sighs] Okay... nobody can talk about... spoons.

Earl: Hey guys, it's not that I don't blindly believe everything the government's telling us, but what do you think of the news blackout all of a sudden?
Sid: What're you saying there, Earl?
Earl: I'm saying after all the good news all of a sudden, they're not telling us anything.

B.P. Richfield: What do you say I take you and your family out to dinner tonight.
Earl: You? Us? Eating?
B.P. Richfield: Save the sparkling repartee for the dinner, Sinclair. And remember, the WHOLE family!

Earl: Hey, hey! Calm down, Junior. It's only Moola the Cash Cow, Wesaysoland's whimsical and highly-copyrighted park mascot.
Baby: No, no! Get him away from me!
[cries]
Moola the Cash Cow: Step right up to the ticket booth, Dad, and pay for admission, so we can start the family fun!
[chuckles]

B.P. Richfield: I hear you've got your 20th anniversary coming up, Sinclair.
Earl: Errm... how suspiciously cordial of you to take an interest, sir.

Earl: We're gonna need another Timmy!

Earl: You think I'm not gonna come after you? You're playing with fire here, you're playing with fire!
Baby: No, I'm playing with fire.
[sticks his tail in the fire, Earl rushes over and pulls him away from the stove]
Baby: Daddy!
Earl: What?
Baby: [points to his flaming tail] Hot!
[Earl rushes to the sink]
Baby: Where we going?
[Earl soaks his tail in the water]
Baby: Ahhhhh, again!

Earl: [On TV as Georgie] Uh, Georgie has something special to say to all of you. You see, Georgie's not what you think.
Robbie: Dad?
Fran: Earl?
Earl: [On TV as Georgie] You see, you probably think that Georgie's just a sweet, loveable guy who likes to give everybody hugs, but... .

Baby: [Gus Molehill and Fran Sinclair grunt] Ah! Make a wish.
Fran: Earl, help me!
Earl: With you in a minute!
Glenda: Let go of my boy!
Aubrey: My arms have a tendency to dislocate!

Earl: What is that sound I hear? Is it someone running down our proud nation? Someone spitting on our glorious flag? Oh! Then it must be Monica!
Fran: She's just stating her opinion, Earl.
Earl: Yeah, an unpatriotic negative left-wing wacko opinion!
Monica: Are you suggesting we just ignore the problems out there?
Earl: As patriotic citizens, it is our duty! According to the Chief Elder, times are only bad if we think they're bad. So we should fill our heads with happy thoughts, and our nation will prosper!
Monica: You're just deluding yourself.
Earl: Exactly! And it's that kind of delusion that's made our country what it is today.

Baby: You got spit up?
Earl: Yep.
Baby: You got spit up too?
Robbie: Yeah.
Baby: Did you bring me a present?

Charlene: They couldn't throw us off the end of the world because there isn't any, we walked all the way around!
Fran: I'm so glad you're back, I made your favorite for dinner.
Charlene: You knew we were coming back tonight?
Fran: I made it every night.
Earl: Yep, 80 consecutive nights of meatloaf, and nobody prayed for your safe return home, more than me.

Solomon: Then, in my divine wisdom, there is only one equitable solution. To divide the child in two.
[thunderclap]
Baby: Huh?
Fran: Earl, we can't let him do this!
Solomon: Silence! Do not question the wisdom of Solomon The Great. My powers are beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. And now I shall perform the miracle of divine justice with the help of my assistant Ramona!
[Ramona appears and Baby's parents and Aubrey's parents exclaim]
Earl: Oh!
Gus: Hey! Yes! Good!
[Baby Sinclair exclaims]
Gus: Hey, nice, nice!
Solomon: Ha!
Earl: Nice box.
[applause]
Solomon: Mr. Sinclair, if you would, bring me the pink baby.
Earl: Oh, yeah.
[Baby Sinclair laughs and Earl Sinclair brings Solomon The Great the pink baby]
Solomon: Now, place the child completely in the box, head there, feet here.
Earl: Head there, feet there. Oh! Oh! Watch your nose.
Solomon: Now, Mr. Sinclair, we've never met before. Is that correct, sir?
Earl: Yes, that is correct, sir.
Solomon: And no money has changed hands between us?
Earl: None whatsoever.
Solomon: Well, then how do I have your wallet? Ha-ha!
Earl: Whoa! Hey! That's wonderful!
Baby: Yay! Yay!
Solomon: Mr. Sinclair, as you can see, this is an ordinary box.
Baby: Careful! Careful!
Solomon: There are no hidden panels. No secret compartments. Just a simple, wooden box.
Earl: Yes, it looks okay to me.
Solomon: You may step back now. Thank you. Now, how about a hand for Mr. Sinclair?
Earl: Oh, thank you, thank you.
[applause]
Solomon: And thank you.

Earl: [Earl, Roy, and Charlene have finished performing at a USO show]
Earl: I didn't see Robbie. Did anyone see Robbie?
Roy: They loved us. One guy threw me his keys.
Charlene: Oh Daddy. I know what I want to do now! No more aimlessly drifting through life. I was born to give pleasure to whole groups of boys!

Earl: Fran, I'm home, I'm hungry and I hate everything.
Baby: Not the mama!
Earl: Ah neither are you!

Fran: Earl, you'll spoil him.
Earl: I just want him to like me, is that so wrong?

Officer: License please.
[Earl shows him]
Officer: Not your driver's license, your parent's license. I'm with the Parent Patrol, and you're in a lot of trouble, Mister.
Fran: Well, Earl, see what happens when you lose your temper?
Earl: Oh please. He's just the Parent Patrol, it's not like he's the real police.
Officer: Beg your pardon?
Earl: Oh nothing. So what's the problem, Officer, did I stop in a No Diapering zone?
Officer: Parent Code Section 7, Paragraph 3, a crying child must be handled with sympathy and patience. You were screaming at the boy, Mr. Sinclair. I'm giving you a citation, just like the real police.

Fran: Earl, you're watching TV in here and mother's watching TV in there. Wouldn't it be nicer if you both watched TV together?
Earl: Only if the TV was crushing her head.

Earl: If there's time.
Chief: Silence! Because of the vexing and unwelcome questions of this small child, the economy is ruined. The government is on the verge of collapse. And chaos reigns in the streets.
Earl: [whispers] Say you're sorry.
Baby: I'm sorry.
Earl: Well, we're outta here.
Elder: Stop! The child must pay for his crime.
Baby: Why?
Elder: Because that is justice!

Roy: No lunch today, pally boy?
Earl: No, my wife thinks I should be more spiritually aware, and my breakfast took her side.

Robbie: [about Blarney] He's terrible, Mom. I can't imagine a worse role model for a child.
Earl: [from other room] Ouch! Darn it. I hate you, you stupid toy!

Earl: Well, I'm sure it's all for the best.

Fran: How much can a tutor cost, Earl?
Earl: The same amount as a 90 inch TV screen, because that's the way my life works.

Earl: There are many customs that the Book of Dinosaur commands us to obey, but none as important as The Howling. Each month, on the evening of the full moon, every male dinosaur who has come of age is commanded to climb to the mountain top and howl his mightiest howl.
Robbie: Why?
Earl: Why what?
Robbie: Why do we do it?
Earl: We've been doing it that way for a million years. It is written in the Sacred Book of Dinosaurs.
Robbie: Well who wrote it there?
Earl: Some sacred guy!

Spike: If you want to hear great music, you gotta come down to the swamp.
Robbie: The swamp? That's on the other side of the tracks, isn't it?
Spike: Yeah, real dangerous. Your dad would never let you go.
Robbie: No problem, we'll just sneak out.
Baby: I'm telling!
Spike: Difficult to do without a tongue.
Earl: [enters kitchen] Telling what?
Baby: They're going to the swamp!
[points to Spike]
Baby: And he's gonna rip my tongue out!
Earl: Yeah?
[to Spike]
Earl: Well I'm with you on the tongue thing.
Baby: Hey!

Baby: You're a big smoo!
[all gasp in shock]
Fran: Well, we'll just be going.
B.P. Richfield: No, no, no. A big what?
Earl: A big shoe. Yeah, yeah. Shoes are his favourite... uh, foot covering. It's the ultimate compliment, really.
Baby: Not shoe, smoo! A big, fat smooey smoo!
[laughs and B.P. Richfield groans and strains]
Earl: Not much you can do with that one.
Fran: I'm so sorry, Mr. Richfield. It's something he heard on television last night.

Earl: I see what you're getting at, Mr. Richfield, but no amount of money is worth taking this away from my wife. Her happiness means the world to me.
B.P. Richfield: Here's 50 bucks.
Earl: It's a small world after all.

Earl: Hello, soldier. You have a special girl waiting for you at home?
Soldier: Just my Mom.
Earl: Well you know, you really should try dating somebody outside your immediate family.

Fran: Earl, this is Ray Gherkin.
Ray: Howdy-do!
Earl: I like him.
Charlene: Dad!
Ray: It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sinclair. Hope you don't mind, but I parked my truck on your lawn so's I can keep an eye on it. Don't want nobody stealing my new gun rack.
Earl: Smart.
Ray: Hey, Smokey!
[Ray clicks his tounge]
Charlene: Hi, Ray. Uh, what's that under your arm?
Ray: I didn't want to show up at the in-laws empty-handed. Brewski?
Earl: [chuckling] You read my mind.
Ray: All right! I bet I can guzzle faster than you.
Earl: You're on!
Ray: Okay, here we go!
[both gulping rapidly]
Fran: Pretty dreamy, huh, Mom?
Ray: I'm Champion.
Earl: Wow! Doesn't that hurt?
Ray: Can ain't got no feelin'. Right, Earl?
Fran: What a clever insight, but I believe, now, my husband Earl has some questions he'd like to ask you.
Charlene: Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Earl: Questions? Oh, yeah, right. Um...
Ray: Uh-huh.
Earl: Could you teach me that thing with the beer can?
[Charlene groans]
Fran: Earl!
Ray: That ain't no big thing.
Earl: Hmm?
Fran: Here, Ray. Why don't you sit down?
Ray: Oh, okay.
Charlene: [whispers] No, Mom!
Earl: So, Ray. Charlene tells me you're a custodian.
Ray: Yeah, but I'm doing it for the money, which ain't all that good. But I can swipe all the disinfectant I want.
[Ray chuckles]
Ray: Well, anyhoo, I'm taking night school so I can make something of myself.
Fran: Oh, really? Night school.
Charlene: Please.
Ray: Yep, Some say it's a dream, but someday...... I'm gonna be a tree pusher.
[both gasp]
Charlene: You wanna be a tree pusher?
Ray: Yeah. Reach for the stars. That's what Daddy said. Never said nothin' else. That's when we had to keep him in that little room under the stairs.
[Ray chuckles]

Earl: [Begins to read a poem] "How do I say goodbye to you... "
[doorbell rings]
Earl: See ya.

Robbie: Dad, this was supposed to be a big fun day and Mom's trying to kill it for all of us. Who's the boss around here?
Earl: Yeah. Fran?
Fran: [yelling] What?
Earl: She is.

Ethyl: [reading road map] According to this map, we've completely strayed from all known civilization. We've passed the Mysterious Gorge, and the River of Blood, and now we are deep in the heart of the Valley of the... Roosters.
Earl: Valley of the Roosters? Your eyes are shot, give me that map. Here it is, and it is not Valley of the Roosters, it's Valley of the Monsters. Monster!
[pause]
Ethyl: See any... roosters out there?
Earl: No.
Ethyl: Maybe we should turn around.
Earl: Good idea...
[large monster approaches them]
Earl: Uh, cock-a-doodle-doo.

Charlene: [after the war is over] I heard that somebody got killed.
Robbie: Yeah, it was some new guy... but you know we could've won!
Earl: Robbie, what're you saying?
Robbie: Well, I'm saying it's terrible that guy got killed and all, but you know we had those four-leggers on the run, we could've won it.
Earl: A boy died, don't you see the fighting didn't solve anything?
Fran: Come on, Robbie, let's get you out of that uniform, you have school tomorrow.
Robbie: Forget school, a bunch of the guys were talking about keeping the army together if they came back, they'll set up a base at the swamp so we'll be ready for them next time. They're working on a WHOLE NEW line of weapons, yeah!
Earl: Stop it! You're not a soldier, you're a kid,
[pulls Robbie into a close hug]
Earl: You're gonna go to school, you're gonna take girlfriends to dances, you're gonna drive me crazy like you always have, until it's time for you to grow up.
Robbie: Dad?
Earl: It's allright son, it's over... you're home.

Earl: I spent 200 bucks for this and my butt is falling asleep.

Robbie: What a joke! Do they believe we'd be stupid enough to fall for this garbage?
Earl: Hard to say, son. I gotta get back to work.
[Earl leaves]
Charlene: I gotta get back to school.
[Charlene leaves]

Baby: [hitting Earl with a bottle] Not the mama, not the mama, not the mama.
Earl: I really wish you'd grow out of this.

Earl: Surely we can talk about this. After all, this is kind of a coincidence.
Officer: A coincidence? How?
Earl: Well, that ticket has my name on it, and I do believe this crisp one dollar bill has your name on it. Wouldn't you call that a coincidence?
Officer: No, I would call that a cheap attempt at bribery.
Earl: What if it was a five? What? Oh, come on, you're not giving me another ticket.
Officer: Section 9, Paragraph 4, setting a bad moral example for a child.

Earl: Worth every last dollar. Which, by the way, it took.

Robbie: Dad, I'm here with a girl. It might help if you didn't make me look like the world's biggest weenie.
Earl: Well pardon me, Mr. Dignified, I didn't mean to belittle you as you were about to hit the ball up the clown's pants.

[It's three in the morning]
Baby: Waah! Waah! I'm crying! That means I'm up!
Fran: Earl.
Earl: [snoring] What?
Fran: Come on, Earl. You get up for once.
[Earl resumes snoring]
Fran: Earl, feed the baby.
Earl: Why?
Fran: Because if you don't feed it, it'll die.
Earl: How many other kids we've got?
Fran: Two.
[Earl resumes snoring]

Charlene: Daddy, can't I even say hello without you thinking that I want something?
[Earl looks at her]
Charlene: A sweater. I just want a sweater.
Earl: I just want dinner but it doesn't look good for either of us.

Earl: [after Fran grounds Robbie] Frannie?
[Fran turns glaring at Earl scaring him]
Earl: You know, I'm sure Robbie didn't notice, but it's, uh, kind of embarrassing when you undercut my authority like that.
Fran: [furiously] Grrr...
Earl: You're making that noise again, sweetheart, just like the last time you were right and I was really, really wrong.
Fran: [louder] GRRR!
Earl: I'm on the couch again tonight, aren't I, sweetheart?
Fran: [leaves angrily] GRRR! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET HIM GO OUT...
Earl: [quietly] Night-night...
[Fran continues yelling and slams the bedroom door loudly]
Earl: Oh, jeez...

Earl: And we were gonna ask to jump out of the cake.
Fran: Terrible twos. That's an old wives' tale.
Ethyl: So what do I look like, a debutante? Think back, Fran. You've gone through this twice before. Robbie, and then Charlene.
Fran: Well, let me see. I remember making little decorative twos for the birthday cakes.................. . and then they were three years old. That's funny. I've no recollection of that entire year.
Earl: Fran, let me try. Uh, I was sneaking a taste of the icing from Robbie's second birthday cake............... . and then it was this morning. Did I miss anything, Fran?
Ethyl: Oh, jeez.
Fran: That's odd. Neither of us has any recollection of the children being two.
Ethyl: It's was so traumatic and horrible you blocked it out, and now it's gonna happen again. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Earl: [singing] Happy Birthday dear Baby Happy Birthday to you
Baby: [singing] Happy birthday to me
[the whole family laugh and electricity crackles]
Baby: [cackles]
Earl: Okay, son, time to blow out the candles.
[Baby Sinclair breathes smoke at the family]
Charlene: Baby!
Earl: [Baby Sinclair laughs]
[puts icing in his mouth and smacks his lips]
Earl: Yum. Devil's food.

Fran: Earl Sneed, Sinclair if you touch one scale on that boy's head, I'll disconnect your premium cable channels.
Earl: You'd make me watch basic?

Roy: [the baby needs changing] You better do something, pally-boy, I'm starting to feel a little woozy.
Earl: [rolls up his sleeves] Yeah, I guess there's no avoiding the dirty work. Fran, We need a diaper change in here pronto!

Earl: I'm going to be remembered, it's all I've ever wanted.
Charlene: Well everybody wants to be remembered.
Earl: You see? She gets it and she's only 10.
Charlene: Fourteen!
Earl: Whatever.

Earl: [presenting the toy car wrapped in paper] Son, this present is only for good little boys. You can have it, if you promise to be good.
Baby: [Faking Innocence] I'll be good... I promise.
[a golden halo appears on top of baby's head and a twinkle happens in his eye]
Fran: It's not right, Earl, bribing a child to behave!
Earl: ...and if it works?
Fran: It's a short sighted, stop gap, quick fix solution...
Earl: You don't have to sell me on it.
[Fran grunts irritably]
Earl: Here, son, look! A car!
Baby: [excited] A car! Oh, boy!
Earl: [giggles] Come on.
[grabs the Baby and puts him in the kiddie car]
Robbie: Gee Dad, you never bribed me with anything neat like that.
Earl: You were never rotten enough to deserve it.

Charlene: [arrives] Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Fran: Charlene. I didn't know you were out.
Charlene: Yeah, all day. Wow, dinner looks great. Shame. Too bad I already ate.
[grabs a chicken drumstick]
Charlene: Bye. La, la.
[Charlene leaves]
Fran: [Earl groans] I swear this family is falling apart. We might as well just be strangers who live in the same house. Dinner used to be the one hour when we all got together to share the events of the day.
Earl: Not true, Fran. It never took us a whole hour to eat dinner.
[Fran groans]
Fran: Well, at least you're here to have dinner with Mommy, aren't you?
Baby: Already ate.
Fran: You already ate? What did you eat?
Baby: You aren't gonna like it.

Baby: This is great!
[laughs]
Solomon: I am truly moved by your selflessness and love for this child. But too late!
[cuts the baby in half]
Fran: No!
[Aubrey's parents gasp in shock]
Baby: Again!
[laughs]
Earl: [Solomon the Great brings their half of a child] Oh!
Solomon: There.
Earl: Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm so, so sorry, little feet. I promise I'll make it up to you. I know we can't play baseball, but I can teach you soccer.
Baby: [kicks Earl Sinclair in the face] Not the mama!
[laughs]

Earl: Tomorrow, you quit.
Fran: I am not qutting.
Earl: Yes you are.
Fran: No I'm not.
Earl: I've made my decision and I am the husband. Need I say more?
Fran: [on TV] Husbands can be so pigheaded.
Earl: Maybe I needed to say more.

Earl: This is the happiest moment of my life. No wait, this is. No wait, this is.

Earl: [having been awarded the key to the city] Alotta good this does me. There's no door to this city.

Charlene: Dad, say something.
Earl: Uh, Your Honor, if I may address the court...
Judge: No.
Earl: Nothing further.
[clicks his teeth]
Charlene: What?

Earl: Please don't make me bite off my own head. I was practicing in the lobby and it just wasn't happening.

Baby: [in the house] It's not my bath time. What's going on?
Fran: We'll just see if we can't wash those dirty words out of your mouth with a little soap.
Baby: [mumbling] I don't like this.
[Fran Sinclair takes the soap out of Baby Sinclair's mouth]
Fran: Now. Any dirty words left in there?
[Baby Sinclair blows a bubble]
Baby: [bubble pops] Smoo!
[laughs]
Robbie: Good work, Mom. I'm sure we've all learned a valuable lesson.
[Baby Sinclair hiccups]
Baby: [bubble pops] Smoo!
Fran: Oh!
[Baby Sinclair chuckles and door opens]
Fran: [Earl Sinclair groans] Hi, honey. Are you all right?
[Earl Sinclair grumbles]
Robbie: Hey, Dad, some jerk put a sign on your back.
Earl: It was Mr. Richfield. And I think you kids called him enough names for one day.
Robbie: You're home now. Don't you think you can take it off?
Earl: I would, but it's covering an unsightly wound.
[Earl Sinclair groans]
Robbie: Oh.

Earl: Mr. Toilet's a friend, and the best way to treat a new friend is to sit on them and give them a big present.
Baby: That's disgusting!
Earl: That may be, but you're gonna do it anyway.

[Earl dreams he is chief elder and is being plagued by hundreds of demands]
Earl: Why don't you all just leave me alone?
[accidentally hits the red button]
Earl: Oops.
[all over the world, volcanoes erupt and bombs explode]
Earl: Oh no, and on my first day.

Earl: As you can see, I have separated all known dinosaur wisdom into three categories: animal, vegetable, rocks.
Robbie: Well, what about fire?
Earl: Vegetable.
Charlene: What about water?
Earl: Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable. What's the opposite of a vegetable? Fruit. So, water is a fruit! Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock. We know it's not an animal. Therefore, fruit is a rock.

Grandma: It's the baby!
Baby: It's the Grandma.
[Earl enters]
Baby: Uh oh.
Earl: [dryly] Hello Mother Phillips.
Grandma: Hello fat boy!

Robbie: I don't want your money.
Charlene: I do.
B.P. Richfield: Smart girl. You must be very proud of your daughter.
Earl: Oh yes, my daughter, very proud, all mine. My son, who knows? I was in babylon.

Fran: Wendy.
Wendy: Yes?
Fran: You should know that your fellow students have been circulating a rumor that you have... an eating disorder.
Wendy: What?
Charlene: [accusingly] You ate your last four boyfriends and now you're gonna eat Robbie!
Wendy: [shouts] That's not true!
[Earl, Charlene, and Baby go startled]
Wendy: [now calm] I - I never ate anybody.
Fran: I believe you, dear, but you have to admit four boyfriends all disappeared, never to be seen again
Wendy: I know, it's so strange, but it's not me. It's like there's something out there devouring my boyfriends! Someone's trying to stop me from having any kind of relationship; trying to keep me from growing up. I mean, what kind of horrible monster would...
[sighs in exasperation]
Wendy: Daddy!
Earl: Daddy?
[Charlene and Fran gasp in horror]
Earl: [finally gets it] Daddy!
Baby: Uh-oh!

Earl: I'm not getting my bonus and we're broke.
[Fran gasps]
Charlene: You already bought our presents?
Earl: Yes.
Charlene: So what's the problem?
Fran: The problem is we have bills to pay, now what're we going to do?
Charlene: [to Robbie] Well he got the presents, I still don't see a problem.

B.P. Richfield: Howdy!
Earl: Whoa!
B.P. Richfield: And welcome to Wesaysoland, where everybody has a good time because we say so.
[chuckles]

Earl: [about hurling Ethyl] Without this, my life means nothing.
Robbie: Well then I guess my life must mean nothing, because when your time comes, I'm not throwing you.
Earl: Why the hell not?
Robbie: Because you're my father, just because you get old doesn't mean you stop being my father.

Fran: What on earth are you doing?
Earl: [angrily] Morning, noon and night it's Georgie, Georgie, Georgie! Georgie on the farm, Georgie at the zoo, Georgie at the beach!
Baby: That's my favourite!
Earl: [angrily] Oh, yeah? Well, this is my favourite. Georgie in a million pieces!
[growls angrily]
Fran: Oh!
Earl: [grunts] Die!
[growls and destroys the tape]
Earl: Die, die, die!
[Baby Sinclair wails]
Fran: That was horrible! Look how you've upset him.
Baby: I miss Georgie! I want Georgie!

Earl: And now...
B.P. Richfield: [Growling] No.
Earl: I'm ready to die.
Surly: Not so fast.
B.P. Richfield: Yeah, slow would be better.

Fran: Those Wesayso ads are lies.
Earl: So what? It's temporarily being accepted by the masses, so it's the truth.

Earl: It's true. It's obviously true. I saw it on TV.

[Earl wants a raise]
B.P. Richfield: Sinclair, you dog. Twenty-five years you've been working here and I never thought you'd have the guts to take me on! But take me on, you do, mano e mano, man to man. That's guts-balls, Sinclair. I like a guy with guts-balls. LIKE HIM!
[slams the sides of his trailer]
B.P. Richfield: So I guess I'm gonna have to take your little ultimatum seriously.
Earl: Oh I do hope so, sir.
B.P. Richfield: Cuz the someone who puts a gun to my head...
Earl: Oh n-no, sir.
B.P. Richfield: ...MUST BE PREPARED TO BACK UP HIS THREAT! So I'm gonna ask you, d'ya want a raise or what?
Earl: ...uh... or what, sir.
B.P. Richfield: What puts you in the position to ask for more money?
Earl: Well sir, I have a growing family, who I need more money to take care of.
B.P. Richfield: Well, Where is this my fault?
Earl: I'm not blaiming you, sir.
B.P. Richfield: THEN WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR FAMILY!
Earl: I'm only asking for more money, sir.
B.P. Richfield: No, the way I see it is, you don't need more money, you need less family!
Earl: But I love my family!
B.P. Richfield: Well obviously you do, since you're willing to lose your job for them.
Earl: *What*?
B.P. Richfield: You face me down, asking me for more money. I ain't gonna give it to ya. So ya got no alternative but to look me in the eye and say...
Earl: [leaving] I'm sorry.
B.P. Richfield: ...I QUIT!
Earl: I quit?
B.P. Richfield: Oh, sorry to lose ya, Sinclair, after all these years.
Earl: But sir I like this company. I always dreamed I'd go somewhere with this company.
B.P. Richfield: No dreams, Sinclair. No dreams for you. You are what you are and that's all you're ever gonna be. Except not with this company. Best thing for you to do is realize that now. You'll thank me.
Earl: But sir...
B.P. Richfield: THANK ME!
Earl: uh th-thank you, sir.

Georgie: That's an imposter, boys and girls. He's not Georgie, I'm Georgie.
[the kids gasp]
Earl: No, kids, he's the imposter.

Earl: Mr. Richfield, I think maybe you shouldn't talk to my kid like that.
B.P. Richfield: Think? You don't think. You're a tree pusher and you work for me. Or have you forgotten who you're talking to?
Earl: Yes, sir, I have. And until I remember I just wanna say, I don't care if you have enough money to buy the dome or the whole lousy volcano. We're not...
B.P. Richfield: Wait a second, what did you say?
Earl: I said I don't care if you have enough money to buy the dome...
B.P. Richfield: No, no, the other part.
Earl: Buy the volcano?
B.P. Richfield: Yes. Great idea.

Evil: Sinclair, have a heart. You wouldn't punch out the most beloved character on childrens' TV? A-yuk, a-yuk.
Earl: [looks to the camera] This is for all you parents at home.
[slugs Georgie]
Earl: "A-yuk. A-yuk."

Earl: Hey, kids. Is it off? Did they take it off yet?
TV: The Smoo Show, now on seven nights a week.
[Earl Sinclair moans]
Robbie: Nice day's work, Dad.
Charlene: Yeah.
Earl: Thanks, Mr. Negative. I'll have you know we were out planting the seeds of change. You just wait. Those seeds are gonna bear fruit.
TV: Then, from the producers of The Smoo Show, it's The Flark Show followed by Kiss My Glick.
Robbie: Who can say, Dad? It's probably just a coincidence.
Charlene: Yeah, you got them on the run. A couple more protest raillies, they'll make it into a mini-series.
Earl: Ha, ha, ha. You have anything to say?
Baby: Flark, bad. Glick, bad.
Earl: There, see? My message got through.
Baby: Smoo? That's funny!
[laughs]
Earl: Oh, this is so discouraging. TV has become the cesspool of vulgarity.
Fran: Then why don't you just turn it off?
Earl: Because, I shouldn't have to turn off my TV set, ever! I worked my whole life, I raised my family. I wanna be able to park them in front of the TV, and I know they're gonna watch good, clean, time-consuming, energy-sapping entertainment. So by the time I get home, they can barley wave hello.
Fran: Well, obviously, the TV network dosen't care how you feel.
Earl: Then I'm gonna have to go over their heads.
[Earl Sinclair leaves]

Earl: [Richfield picks up a large rock] Oh my gosh, look out, a rock!
B.P. Richfield: Not just any rock you bonehead, this is a Peacekeeper 3000. I'm not talking about poked eyes, one of these babies can bust a head wide open.
Earl: You sell those to the enemy? But my son is out there, he may even be killed!
B.P. Richfield: I didn't know that, I also don't care!

Roy: Hey, if you're involved in some covert plan to bring down that big orange ball of evil, I want in.
Earl: Sorry, Roy, it's just too dangerous.
Roy: Hey, Danger is my middle name. Uh, originally it was my mother's maiden name. And they gave it to me to keep it in the family. Of course, it never really came in handy until tonight.
Earl: I don't want to argue with you, I just want to bid a fond farewell to the one person closest to me.
Roy: Uh... wouldn't that be Fran?
Earl: Oh, darn!

Earl: He's our perpetrator. Lock him up and throw away the key.
Fran: Earl, this is our child.
Earl: Okay, you can keep the key.

Baby: [watching TV with Earl] Ha ha ha ha ha! Puppets! Ha ha ha ha!
Purple: To which Lord Bellington replied "Madam, that is not my wife, that is the arch-bishop."
Green: Toh! That would explain his reluctance to dance with me! Yes, yes...
Purple: That, and his dreadful taste in hats!
[both laugh]
Earl: [laughs] Hey, hey, Frannie - you gotta see this puppet show. It's terrific!
Baby: Uh-huh!
Fran: Earl, that's for kids.
Earl: Yeah, you'd think that because they're puppets - so the show seems to have a children's asthetic.
[turns to camera]
Earl: Yet the dialouge is unquestionably sharp-edged, witty and thematically skewed to adults.
Purple: Here comes our neighbor, Mr. Argyle.
Green: Dah!
Mr. Argyle: Ah! Good day to you, lassie and laddie! And where is that athletic son of yours?
Purple: Well he's...
Son: Hello, Mummy and Daddy!
Purple: He's here.
Son: Look who I brought home for dinner!
[two decorated female sock puppets come in]
Purple: Oh! Don't you bring that pair of hos into this house!
[they gasp]
Earl: [laughs] I'm telling you Fran, this show works on two levels!
Fran: [questioning and incredulous] They look like puppets. I'm not watching.

Fran: [as Robbie is about to be burned as a heretic, worried] Earl, hurry up!
Earl: [looks through the book, panics] It doesn't say! I guess this book doesn't have all the answers!
[the mob gasps offensively turning to Earl]
Chief: [incredulously furious] What did you say?
Earl: Uh-oh...
[next scene shows Earl as a heretic next to Robbie]
Robbie: Hail to the potato, dad?
Earl: [defeated] Point taken.

Hank: Yeah. So what do you say, Mr. S? Worth the money?
Earl: Oh, every last dollar.
Hank: Uh-huh.
Earl: Which, by the way, you took.

Earl: As you can see, I have separated all known dinosaur wisedom into three catagories: Animal. Vegetable. Rocks.
Robbie: What about fire?
Earl: Vegetable.
Charlene: What about water?
Earl: Water is the opposite of fire, which we have previously established as a vegetable. What's the opppsite of a vegetable? Fruit. So, water is a fruit. Fruit is not a vegetable, so it has to be either an animal or a rock. We know it's not an animal, therefore, fruit is a rock.
Charlene: Daddy, I asked you about water.

Elder: [Reading the legacy of the 'golden child'] "And he shall be born of a noble mother, and his father shall be courageous and wise..."
[Earl starts gloating]
Elder: Give me the Wite-Out.
[Wites: ]
Elder: "Father shall be a blithering idiot."
Earl: Can he do that?

Earl: There's no dinner, there's no vegetables.
Fran: Dinner ate the vegetables.
Earl: And left just like that? Without coffee? Well, he's never eating around here again.

Fran: Oh Earl, don't go.
Earl: Frannie, I've gotta go. If I don't, I'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for the rest of the week, but probably by the end of the month. Do you have a calendar?
Fran: In or out, Earl. You're letting in the bugs.

B.P. Richfield: I am the happiest person you'll ever meet you worthless bucket of chum.
Earl: Well that's obvious from your sunny disposition, sir.
B.P. Richfield: SHUT UP!

B.P. Richfield: Let's see, how can we make it rain?
Earl: Well, we could have everybody wash their cars. That usually makes it rain.
Roy: Or everybody could take a bath. No, that makes the phone ring.
B.P. Richfield: OH SHUT UP.

Sarge: Hey, lady! What are you doing out here? This is a war zone.
Earl: Are those sticks?
Sarge: They ain't candy canes, missy. What do you think took this out?
[points to his missing eye]
Earl: Uh, running with scissors?
Sarge: Wrong! It was a stick with my name on it.
Earl: Wow. What are the odds?

Earl: I thought I told you to mow the lawn.
Robbie: I told you, the lawn mower is broken.
Earl: Scissors. Cut it with scissors.
Robbie: Oh come on.
Earl: Geez you kids have it too easy. When I was your age we didn't have lawn mowers, we didn't have scissors, we had to get down on all fours and graze like a cow.
Robbie: Dad.
Earl: Mooooo.

Earl: [after Baby hits him repeatedly with a pot while saying "Not the Mama"] You do that one more time, and I'm gonna throw you across the room!

Fran: Earl, what happened to Monica was completely unfair, there must be some way she could get her job back.
Earl: No, there is not.
Fran: Oh come on, Earl, there must be something she could do.
Earl: Oh no no, there's nothing, and even if there was, there wouldn't be.
Fran: Oh, you thought I was asking about Monica, no! It's for my cousin, Monty, who works for WeSaySo, the... southern branch.
Earl: Oh well why didn't you tell me that? Just tell Monty that if he was unjustly fired, he can request a hearing from the corporate board of grievances.

Earl: Fran, that mug as you call it has made us happier than we've ever been. If you weren't so angry you'd see that.

Baby: Not the mama!
Earl: I should've seen that coming.

Grandma: [after hearing Earl describe the job of a tree-pusher]
[sarcastically]
Grandma: Wow, that certainly sounds appealing. Where do I sign up?
Earl: Ha ha ha, well you can't. They don't hire bitter, shrivelled-up old ladies.
Grandma: Right, they usually only take big, fat slobs.
Earl: She'll be dead soon, son.

Earl: I've spent 15 years raising three kids. The only thing I'd use that parenting manual for is to whack their butts.

Fran: [They are driving to the doctor's office] How about a cupcake?
Baby: Ooh, cupcake.
Earl: [driving] You're giving a kid a cupcake in a new car? What are you thinking about?
Fran: Him. He gets a little nervous whenever I take him to the pediatrician so I'm trying to make the whole experience a little more positive. It's called parenting, Earl.
Earl: Oh, please. I've been parenting for 15 years, nobody has to tell me how to be a good dad.
[to Baby]
Earl: You get one crumb on that seat, and you're crawling home, buster.

Mr. Myman: [opens the brief case] And here it is! Our research boys just came up with it, The P-2000. The dawn of a new pan age.
[Earl groans]
Mr. Myman: Go ahead, little fella, give it a whack.
Earl: Get the ice pack, Fran.
Baby: Come on. Closer.
[Earl whimpers]
Baby: Not... the... mama!
[Baby hits Earl with the P-2000]
Fran: [Earl falls down] I can't believe it! It didn't break!
Baby: This pan is pretty good.

Earl: [Just awakened from a nightmare] Yeah it's still Thursday night, and I haven't alienated my friends and family for the sake of a ridiculous material possession.
Fran: Uh, no, you haven't.

Earl: Hey! Put that down!
Robbie: What?
Earl: No one touches the phone.
Fran: Earl, this is a pay toilet, too. They're charging us for everything.
Earl: Ah, not the one thing that matters. Quiet, everybody. With my cute little bovine remote control, my vacation begins now.
[turns on the TV]