The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 3, Episode 9 Quotes

Marshall: Everyone knows March has 31 days. It's general knowledge.
Ted: [Saluting] General Knowledge.

Barney: By announcing the time, you ruin the suspense. You have shown your hand!
Marshall: And as of 3:00 PM tomorrow, your face will show my hand.

Marshall: [Shows the slap countdown on the computer to Barney] Oh my, look at that! That means we're in the final hour of the countdown.
Barney: I'm not scared...
[his right cheek twitches]
Marshall: Then why is your right cheek twitching?
Barney: It's not...
Marshall: Maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum.
Barney: [nervously] Please don't slap me...
Marshall: I'm sorry, what?
Barney: Oh, god, don't slap me again! I don't want to get slapped again! The first two times hurt so bad. I don't like it! I don't like it one bit!
Marshall: I thought I ruined it by putting a clock on it, Barney.
Barney: Well, you didn't ruin it!.You made it so much worse! I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost 10 pounds. My suits are wearing me. You know what? I'm outta here.
Marshall: Well, no, no, no. You can't leave.
Barney: Why can't I? Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to sit through this sort of mental torture! You are allowed to slap my face my good man, but you are not allowed to slap my mind! Good day!
Marshall: But it's Slapsgiving.
Lily: No! It's Thanksgiving! Our first one as a married couple, as grownups, and you're not trying to be a part of it! None of you are! So, as slap bet commissioner, I'm issuing a ruling. Thanksgiving is a day of peace, there will be no slaps today!

Bob: This is rad. A nice, calm, simple Thanksgiving. I'm the youngest of ten in my family, so our Thanksgiving is a mess. All the yelling and the screaming...
Narrator: And then a funny thing happened.
Bob: It's really a major buzzkill.
Ted: Major Buzzkill.
Lily: Oh no...
Barney: I thought we were done with that!
Robin: I guess we're not.
Ted: Guess we're not.

Lily: Thanksgiving is a time to get together, and none of you are taking it seriously! None of you! So, as slap bet commisioner, I institute a new law: at Thanksgiving there will be no slapping!

Barney: Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving was, and I'm quoting, the "real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate "aboot"?
Robin: Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find the northwest passage.
Barney: Why are you guys even a country?

- That's three!
- Thanks, baby, you're the best.
- And as a special, added bonus,
- I've composed a song just for this occasion.
- Ted, lights!

[after slapping Barney, Marshall plays the piano, performing a song]
Marshall: [singing] What is this feeling, that's put you in your place? A hot red burnin' on the side of your face. You feel the blood rush to your cheek, the tears that fill your eyes. And your lips are trembling, but you can't speak. You're tryin', oh, you're tryin' not to cry. You just got slapped, oh, across the face, my friend. You just got slapped, yes, that really just happened. Everybody saw it. Then everybody laughed and clapped. It was awesome. Wait, you just got... slapped.
[stops singing and playing the piano]
Marshall: Happy Slapsgiving, everybody.

Barney: Hold it. The countdown ends at 3:00 PM the day after Thanksgiving. I counted it out.
Ted: How many days does October has?
Barney: Thirty, of course.
Ted: Dude, I thought we went over this last year.
Barney: [flashback; Barney is dressed as Borat] I like Halloween. Is nice.
Ted: Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Dammit!

- Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
- Everybody saw it
- And everybody laughed and clapped
- It was awesome
- Wait, you just got...
- Slapped.

Ted: Pecan pie? Why are we making that?
Robin: Um, it's my favorite.
Ted: You're allergic.
Robin: I know. I just like smelling it. It's like eating with your nose.

Ted: How come we're all allowed to bust on Barney when he dates some skank-tron but when you sleep with the crypt-keeper's dad; I'm not allowed to say a word?

Barney: The killer in a horror movie does not stand in front of the camp cabins with a bullhorn and shout, "Attention, unguarded teens! At 3:00 I will jump out of that closet and hack you to death with a machete. By the way, my only weakness is fire."

- Oh, what do we do now?
- I suppose... we eat dinner.
- Yeah.
- And then that's it.
- Okay.

- Pierce Brosnan is my favorite of all the Bonds.
- But most importantly, you can never, ever be alone together.
- I gotta go.
- I'm gonna go pay.
- Peeing.
- I'm gonna help
- Marshall pay.
- I'm gonna help Lily pee.

Barney: [holding up a laptop] Check it out, we're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to NOTHING.
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall, to sit there impotently. Your large flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer: The slap will occur in ten, nine, eight...
Barney: Ohh, classy touch, dude! Too BAD!
Lily: Barney put it away!
Barney: I will in. Five, four...
Lily: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney: What? Wait!
Marshall: Yes!
[slaps Barney hard]
Marshall: THAT'S THREE!

- I don't know. I'm sorry.
- This is stupid.
- I'm sorry, too.
- Of course we're friends.
- I'm glad we're friends.
- Me, too.

Marshall: I have this kernel stuck in my teeth.
Ted: [saluting] Colonel Stuckinmyteeth.
Barney: Will you cut it out already?

Marshall: This looks like it's going to be a major clean-up.
Marshall: [saluting] Major Cleanup.
Marshall: Are we going to be doing this all the time?
Robin: That's the general idea.
Marshall: [saluting] General Idea.