The Best Lucifer, Season 5, Episode 9 Quotes

Lucifer: If all the apples are bad, maybe it's the tree that's the problem.

- See, all you have to do is introduce me to all of the suspects.
- And whichever one
- I'm most attracted to...
- Bam! That's your killer.
- Ella.
- Hey, I'm at peace with it.
- If I've got a broken picker, might as we” use it for the greater good, right?

- Is that my grandson over there?
- Hmm.

- He thinks it's the family.
- I thought he was upset with me for rushing him, but he's not, he...
- He's mad at his own family.
- Of course.
- I should've stayed home.

Chloe: Yeah?
- Peterson's running.
Chloe: What?
- He bailed on house arrest.
- His ankle bracelet pinged in downtown traffic, looks like he's headed to union station.
- If he's innocent, why is he running?
- Well, let's go and find out, shall we?

Linda: [as God sits with her] I'd like to thank God for... I missed you being up there. Thank you, God, for this food and the company. And... oceans. And napkins. And shoes. And light. And...
Lucifer: That about covers it, doctor. Amen.

- So, my son died protecting the kingdom?
- Protecting us?
- Looks like self-sacrifice runs in the family, eh?
- Apple, tree...
- Lucifer, get the gun.
- Right.
- Right...

- You know, it's, uh... it's funny.
- I thought this moment would give me some catharsis.
- But instead, it's just made me realize one simple truth.
- That you'll never love us.
- Because you're incapable of love.
- And that's just sad... for all of us.

Lucifer: There is absolutely no way I'm sitting down for anything as absurd or torturous as a family dinner. I've already done my time in Hell, remember?

- Hmm.
- Father's intuition.
- Well, intuit yourself somewhere else.
- Actually, no. Why are you still here?
- Isn't the universe gonna collapse with your you-like powers on earth?
- Hmm.

[Whispering] You were so close.
[Whispering] I know.
- Well, smells delicious, father.
- You've outdone your always divine touch.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh.
- Aren't you forgetting something?
- Well, shouldn't we say grace?

- That he was a failure?
- Luci, come on.
[Laughs] No, don't worry, brother.
- We're all being tortured.
- All in the name of our father's mysterious ways.
- Ooh! For example, dad, are you ever going to tell us why hell suddenly doesn't need a warden anymore?

- I'm sorry, father.
- But we shouldn't be surprised.
- I mean, Lucifer isn't mature enough to...
Lucifer: Sorry, I'm late.
- I brought souffle.
- Risen perfectly, just as you like them.

- Not that I'm comparing the two.
- Fewer windmills up there.
- Right. Excuse us.
- Lucifer, you might be right.
- It might be someone in the family, after all.
- Of course it is. [Scoffs]

- You see? Never easy.
- You have a futon, right?
Lucifer: There he is.

Lucifer: And there it is.
- The old testament wrath.
- Wasn't sure you still had it in you.
- All I wanted was a nice family dinner.
- But apparently that's too much to ask.

[Scoffs] Ain't that the truth?
- But the upside is you put so much love into the world, Ella.
- Please, don't let this change that.
- Change you.
- We need more people like you out there, Ella.
- Not less.

- He is behind every bad thing that's ever happened to me.
- Well, everything apart from you, and for someone who's supposed to be omniscient, it's amazing that you never actually see that.
- And apparently never will.
[Mouths] Now?

Michael: Guess what? When your twin is the Lightbringer, turns out you have no choice but to live in the shadows.

- I would like to instead ask you one simple question and get one simple answer.
- A confession, if you will.
- Dad, you don't have to do this.
- What's your question, samael?
- Dad, do you love us?

- I just thanked god for napkins.
[Whispers] That was so much better than I would've done.
- Okay.
- Well...
- Let's dig in.
- Well, isn't this great?
- Wonderful meal with family.

- I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted.
- I'm sorry you didn't either.
- Doesn't mean I won't.
- What does that mean?
- That it ain't over till it's over.
- For either of us. [Whooshes]

- And I'd never change that.
- You know what I think, hmm?
- I think you messed up when you made demons.
- When you made me.
- I think you made a mistake.
- And you don't wanna admit it.

- But that's not why I ran.
- No, I... I understand.
- I really do. Um...
- You know, I think, uh, maybe I'll just give you some time, and, um, when... when you're ready,
- I'll be ready to listen.
- Okay?

- It's... it's comforting.
- And listen, if you ever want to talk about what's going on with your own family,
- I'm here for you, but no pressure at all.
- Juan Perez.
- Yeah?
- LAPD.

Amenadiel: [talking about his son] So he'll get sick, grow old, die.
God: That would follow from the fact he's mortal.

Linda: I just thanked God for napkins.
Amenadiel: It was so much better than I would have done.

- Except you had a chip on yours so big you managed to self-actualize it!
- Oh, no, no, no. There's nothing wrong with him. Don't be fooled.
- You have no one to blame but yourself for who you are!
- -Luch -oh, I blame you plenty!
- Michael!
- Of course you do, you petty little...
[Booming] Children!

- What just happened?
- And who are you?

- Where is he?
Lucifer: Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Ready?

- Hey, oh, my god, are you okay?
- It must have been a crazy big earthquake.
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
- Hey, wait... have you seen Lucifer?
- Um, no. Sorry.

- Michael, you're no longer welcome on earth.
- You're banishing him?
- If you insist on putting it that way.
[Sputters] I don't understand.
- Why am I the one being punished?
- You're not.