The Best The Office, Season 3, Episode 5 Quotes

Pam: Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Jim: Wow... Do you think you could send me a copy of that?

- I'll make you kneel in cow manure and I'll abandon you in a beet field.
- Oh, that sounds great, Dwight.
- I really appreciate that.
- Thank you so much. A mentor...
- Congratulations, resourceful salesman.
- You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to schrute farm!

Michael: Productivity is important, but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain that I cannot get out? And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So, I'm just gonna have my soft pretzel, I'll get to work and I'm gonna be super-productive. Look out for me!

- if I have this one little thing in my brain that I cannot get out?
- And that one little thing is a soft pretzel.
- So, I'm just gonna have my soft pretzel,
- I'll get to work and
- I'm gonna be super-productive.
- Look out for me!
- Oh, come on.

Pam: It's weird. Jan used to treat Michael like he was a 10-year old, but lately, it's like he's 5.

- Come on, drive!
- You drive!
- Dundermifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi, Jim.
- He's on a sales call.
- No message?
- Bye, Jim.

Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive. And then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day... well, I like pretzel day.

Dwight: Brain teaser: I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There's no way I can operate on this boy, because he's my..."
Ryan: [cuts him off] "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan: [cuts him off] He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight: A hunter...
Ryan: [cuts him off] It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight: Damn it!

Karen: [squeaking chair to annoy Jim into giving up his chair, Jim smirks and begins to sing "Lovefool" by the Cardigans] Stop. This is not fair. It's gonna be in my head all day. Please. This is not a proportionate response.

- Bye, Ryan.
- He seemed nice.
- Where are all the animals?
- Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry, too.
- Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat-back bacon, and look, something he whittled.

- and I didn't want it to be that way again.
- You know,
- I wanted us to be a team.
- An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.
- Look, that's not what I wanted, okay?
- I just wanted to go on a sales call.
- Oh, screw gun, the sales call!

Dwight: One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!

- Is it?
- You took my chair.
- No, I didn't.
- I took back the chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.
- When you get up, I'm just gonna take it back anyway, so...
- So I guess I can't get up?

- "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
- A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
- He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
- A hunter...
- It's a polar bear, because you're at the north pole.
- Damn it!

[Michael has made it to the front of the pretzel day line]
Michael: Hi, please tell me you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel: We do.
Michael: Thank God.
Pretzel: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&Ms, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallows, nuts, toffee nuts, coconut, peanut butter drizzle, Oreo, sprinkles, cotton candy bits and powdered sugar.
Michael: Is there any way that you could do all of them?
Pretzel: The works. You got it.
Michael: All right! Thank you.
[smiles]

Dwight: [after Ryan gulps down a beer] Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: [Stares into the camera] I think about that all the time.

- Okay.
- I mean...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Bye, Pam.
- Bye, Jim.

- It smells pretty bad, doesn't it?
- Uh-huh.
- It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
- Gotcha.
- Oh, hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.
- Okay.