The Best The Office, Season 5, Episode 8 Quotes

Dwight: I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

Dwight: There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.
Michael: What's that?
[Dwight closes the office door]
Dwight: Frame him for using drugs.
Michael: Frame him?
Dwight: Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on "The Shield" is illegal.

- Great practical joke, Jim.
- Got me to go to the annex.
- Hi, Michael.
[Screaming] No! God!
- No, god, please, no! No! No!

- Doesn't remember it for years. Toxic shock syndrome.
- Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome.
- Maybe it's China syndrome.
- Could be any one of them.
- It's a messed up world.
- It is a messed up world.
- But it's our messed up world.

- I've never framed a man before. Have you?
- No, I've framed animals before.
- I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present.
- And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
- It just seems awfully mean.
- But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

- Nah. They're rich.
- Yeah, I wrote the note.
- Not ashamed of it.
- I'm not proud of it.
- It is what it is.
- Everyone keeps asking me if I wrote the note on the microwave.
- It was rude and condescending and a little snotty.
- I wish I had written it.

Dwight: Okay, let's get this started.
[stands up and loosens tie]
Michael: What are you doing?
Dwight: I am the bait.
[takes off his glasses]
Michael: For what?
Dwight: Men find me desirable.
Michael: No, no, no.
Dwight: It's a good day, too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael: You're the bait for Toby? No. For one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait, it would be Jim or Ryan or me.
Dwight: Men find me desirable.
Michael: Yes. Sure they do, Dwight.

Michael: I tried. I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in "Scream 2." She thinks she can go off to college and be happy. And then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. Learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.

Michael: What I would like you to do is take this folded note and deliver it to Toby Flenderson. I want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand! Can you do that for me?
Pam: Sure.
Michael: Good!
[Pam opens the note]
Michael: No no no no, don't...
Pam: Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I am too shy to tell you that I love you.
Michael: [grabs the note] Dammit, Pam. You gave me your word.

Michael: Is there no way we can get rid of him?
David: Not without cause, Michael.
Michael: I have cause. It is because I hate him.

Michael: It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

[last lines]
Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Michael: Great practical joke, Jim. Got me to go the annex.
[as Michael turns around, Toby appears. Michael stares at him in disbelief]
Toby: Hi, Mic...
Michael: [screams] NO! GOD! NO, GOD, PLEASE, NO! NO! NO! NOOOOO!

Dwight: Brownies, is it?
[scoffs]
Dwight: Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No, thank you. I'll stick with my jerky.
Jim: So why'd you come in here?
Dwight: To socialize. And inform.

- Disgusting.
Michael: Look at him.
- With his stupid face.
- Stupid tan.
- Yeah. He looks great. Well-rested.
- No. He looks worse.

- Oh, no. You don't know.
- I don't know. What?
- You should probably just meander back there, take a look, see if he's back.
- Dare I?
- You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake.

Jim: It's got shag carpets. I mean, you can't blame my parents. It was the '70s. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building?

Michael: I've never framed a man before. Have you?
Dwight: No, I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

- Worried about art theft, I guess.
- A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood.
- This is the master bedroom, but
- I'm actually not allowed in here.
- So, I'm still in the process of converting the garage.
- It's got great light in here.
- And I was thinking it could be perfect for an art studio.

Oscar: [In the kitchen, reading the note left by Pam yet unaware of who left it] "To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable as they will have to scrub up your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed."
Andy: That is just obnoxious.
Oscar: No kidding.
Pam: Yeah. Wait, what? The mess or the note?
Oscar: The note. It's so holier than thou.
Angela: Hmm... i liked it.
Pam: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Andy: No... the note is *way* more obnoxious than the mess.
Meredith: "Sincerely, disappointed". Get off your high horse, richie.
Pam: Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich.
Meredith: Ah, they're rich.
Pam: [At the conference room] Yeah, I wrote the note. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not proud of it, it is what it is.
Angela: [At the conference room, different take] Everyone keeps asking me if I wrote the note on the microwave. It was rude and condescending, and a little snotty
[sighs]
Angela: I wish I had written it.