Top 20 Quotes From Barney Miller, Season 3, Episode 18

Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I can never handle two jobs. I am under too much pressure here.

Capt. Barney Miller: Harris is captain of security.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh yeah? Well whoopity-doopity-doo.
Det. Ron Harris: You know, I expected you to say something like. However, the number of syllables did surprise me
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh, how come your working two jobs, anyway Harris?
Det. Ron Harris: Orchestra seats, nice clothes, fine wine. I mean, it's called living the full life.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris, I'm satisfied. I go bowling. I have a few beers. That's a full life.
Det. Ron Harris: That's gusto.

Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Mitchell
Del: Speaking
Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Mitchell, there is a young man sitting over there... says he you gave him a dollar to take a bag somewhere
Del: Never saw him before
Capt. Barney Miller: Well, he's sitting over. Why don't you look that way ?
Del: No need to. I haven't been out of my barbershop all day.
Capt. Barney Miller: I didn't say anything about which day it was
Del: Pick one

Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to keep you waiting Mr. Mitchell
Del: Can I leave now ?
Capt. Barney Miller: A few more questions ?
Del: In that case, I want my lawyer
Capt. Barney Miller: Look, your not going to need your lawyer
Del: Hey, look, it's his word against mine and that's what it comes down to . You think a judge is going to believe a dummy ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Aren't you being a little hard on yourself ?
Del: Is that all ?
Capt. Barney Miller: That's all
Det. Ron Harris: Hey Mitchell, use another kid like this and I'm going to be all over you. I mean, I' m going to go out of my to see to it that you stay within the law
Del: Hey Captain, your man here is threaten me with harassment
Capt. Barney Miller: Sergeant Harris, Harris did you say something ?
Det. Ron Harris: Hmm
Del: Oh ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn, what about Tom ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Just see he gets home okay
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right. Come on Tom !

Tom: I want to give you a dollar back. I couldn't bring the bag over
Del: Hey, I don't have the slightest idea what your talking about ?
Tom: I was going to carry the bag but i dropped it
Del: Man, I don't even know who you are ?
Tom: I'm Tom Fields, I live at the third house after the mailbox
Del: Look, I am a trying to meditate and you are disrupting my concentration.
Tom: What ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: He says he can't think and talk at the same time.
Del: Hey, you talking to me ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: See .

Sylvester: What is it with you people? Why don't you believe me?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, it's because we're used to dealing with the criminal element, Mr. White. Everybody comes in here claims he's innocent. So, nine times out of ten, he's not. So it hardens you over the years, Mr. White. It makes initial trust a rare commodity in police work.
Sylvester: Oh.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Also, I don't like your eyes.

Capt. Barney Miller: Nick, take him downstairs for prints and pictures
Capt. Barney Miller: I'd rather not
Capt. Barney Miller: Huh !
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: He's a man of the cloth. I feel funny about it.
Capt. Barney Miller: He's a prisoner. He had to be processed
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I haven't gone to church in years. There might be repercussions

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well Tom, you ready to go?
Tom: Where?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Home.
Tom: With you?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, your home.
[Tom looks disappointed]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's okay, you can come over to my home some other time.
Tom: [smiles] I want to meet all your friends.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I don't have that many.

Det. Ron Harris: Hey,uh, Barney. What's with the Reverend ?
Capt. Barney Miller: Fencing stolen merchandise
Det. Ron Harris: Oh yeah? What are you going to do -- throw the Good Book at him?
[busts out in hysterical laughter]
Capt. Barney Miller: Try to put yourself together.
[Harris busts out laughing again]

Capt. Barney Miller: Dietrich, would you mind ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sure, I'll do it. I don't mind. It doesn't bother me. Do you believe in God ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, I always felt up there, out there
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I don't think there is. I mean, we're probably just an accident. The result of some unplanned cosmic explosion eons ago.
Capt. Barney Miller: Now, What if -- what if you're wrong. You find yourself in an afterlife having to explain yourself to somebody. What do you say ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Whoops !

Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [yelling] Where were you carrying the bag ?
Capt. Barney Miller: [about the retarded kid] He's not deaf.
Tom: To the barbershop... next to the roller skating ring
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, Barney That's, uh, Del Mitchell's place.
Capt. Barney Miller: Oh yeah. Didn't we raid it last year for prostitution ?
Det. Ron Harris: Right.They had the fifty dollar manicure
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, let's bring him in and ask a few questions. See what we can find out ?
Det. Ron Harris: Oh, uh, Barney, Why don't you let me go alone ? I think, it will be easier to get in.
Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, uh, have Kogan put a squad car in the area, though
Det. Ron Harris: Right

Tom: I am going to be a policeman some day ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh yeah, wecan probably use the help

Rev. Albert Carrey: But this guy comes along and instead of donating stuff... He shows me how I can buy it from him and then sell it for a profit and keep the prices reasonable. Well, it... uh , worked like a charm. And the first thing you know, we got a whole lot of people coming in with a whole bunch of merchandise

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: In here, Reverend
Capt. Barney Miller: What's this ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Captain Miller, this is Albert Carey, he runs the thrift shop. The place was full of stolen goods
Capt. Barney Miller: Hope you got a strong case ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Don't worry Captain. It's a good collar. No offense

Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: First name?
Sylvester: Sylvester. I was born cesarean. My mother named me that for revenge.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Women are sensitive about birth.
Sylvester: Boy, she never let up either. When I was ten years old, she made me take accordion lessons.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: She was a distrubed woman, Mr. White. Uh, Middle name?
Sylvester: Marion
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I saw it comin'.

Sylvester: Hey, what about the money I paid for that stuff ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Why don't you consider it a donation to charity ? A gift to the church.
Sylvester: I'm an athetist
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sue him
Sylvester: Hey, I ain't that sure about it.

Det. Ron Harris: He did what ? What did he tell you about the lady in the penthouse. Look, she asked me to check on a prowler, and then got mad because I wouldn't move in.
Capt. Barney Miller: Steady Harris
Det. Ron Harris: No... No... That's what she wanted me to do
Capt. Barney Miller: All right, we will talk about it in my office
Det. Ron Harris: I was doing a damn good job
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: They literally could not fit you around your schedule
Det. Ron Harris: My schedule
Capt. Barney Miller: Come on
Det. Ron Harris: Hey, look, you know what he can do with my schedule
Capt. Barney Miller: We'll explore all the possibilities

Sylvester: [sees Wojo's nameplate] How do you pronounce that?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How do you *think*?
Sylvester: It looks like Wojciehowicz. What were you, a breached birth?

Rev. Albert Carrey: Our church has been falling apart. It's going under, and I have been growing so depressed lately... I... You know... a couple weeks ago, I--I was walking down Fifth Avenue and, uh, I stopped in front of Saint Patrick's and I looked up and I saw those magnificent spires and I thought... "They really got it made baby." You know what I mean ? I mean, they got it all. You know what I mean ? I thought "Well, why them? I mean, why not us? Why? Why is it always them with the bells, and their tapestries and their works of art ?" I mean, what are we -- garbage. I mean, we all believe in the same things. We read the same books. We all say the same stuff, for crying out loud. We got a right.

Tom: [picks up Wojo's baseball] Do you have a little boy?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [takes the ball back] Uh no, I don't have any kids.