The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 1, Episode 10 Quotes

Ted: We can't just be friends. We're attracted to each other, and we both know that.
Carl: Excuse me?

Ted: [over the phone] Hello, Robin, it's Ted.
Robin: Oh, hi, Ted.
Ted: [repeats] Hello, Robin, it's Ted.
Robin: Hi, Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.
Ted: Robin, have I ever told you that I have been vomit-free since '93?
Robin: Oh, listen Ted. I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive.

- But really, the next thing
- I remember was waking up the following morning.

Lily: [Marshall, Ted and Lily discover Barney in the bathtub] What are you doing in the bathtub?
Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
Lily: Wait a minute, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it.
[Barney starts laughing and looking at Ted and Marshall]
Barney: Haha, I totally didn't sleep through it! And boy, for a little girl, you've got a big tank!

Ted: [takes first shot] Let me tell you something about this brain, okay?
[takes second shot]
Ted: Pure alcohol cannot stop this brain.
[takes third shot]
Ted: This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.
[takes fourth shot]
Ted: This is a superbrain.
[takes fifth shot]
Ted: This brain is unstoppable. This brain...
Older: And that's all I remember.

- ALL: Drink, drink...
- This is a super brain.
- This brain is unstoppable.
- This brain...
- And that's all I remember.
- Except for a few other hazy memories.

[Barney returns dejected from half-boob's table]
Ted: Oh, Daddy's back. See, if you'd thought about that, for just a second...
Barney: [holds up a phone number] Then I wouldn't have gotten this 7-digit Father's Day card from...
[looks at napkin]
Barney: Amy!
Ted: That worked? I hate the world.

Trudy: I feel like doing somethin' stupid.
Ted: I'm something stupid. Do me.

Lily: You know who might have something to say about Ted's future with Robin? Robin. Why don't you go wake her up?
Ted: And say what, what am I supposed to say?
Barney: Daddy's home.

Barney: Your brain screws you up, Ted, it gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with "Half-Boob", and its gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style.

Ted: Vomit-free since '93!

Ted: How easy do you think it is to sneak into the zoo? I need to see some penguins like, right now...

Ted: You set me on fire.
Barney: Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. You got robbed. This is a blend.
Ted: You set me on fire! And who's the girl in my bed?
Barney: There's a girl in yoir bed.
Marshall: And a pinapple. Am I the only one who's curios about the pineapple?

Lily: Friends don't let friends drink and dial.

Ted: [Barney tucks in drunk Ted] Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar! Go into my stable and take my finest stallion. He's yours. His name is Windjammer.

Robin: [Phone rings] Hello.
Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted.
Robin: Hi Ted.
Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted.
Robin: Hi.
Ted: You should be on 60 minutes. You should be one of the minutes.
Robin: Thanks... I guess.

Ted: At least someone appreciates the fact that I am doing and not thinking.
[pause]
Ted: And now, I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom.

Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.
Marshall: Doo-doo!
[laughs]
Barney: [chuckles] Totally.

Marshall: Dammit, Trudy, what about the pineapple?

Barney: Check out table number four! See that little hottie on the end, she's short, but has an ample bossem. I love it, she's, like, half boob. Let's go.
Ted: Yeah, and say what, what's are big opening line?
Barney: It's, uh... Daddy's home.
Ted: "Daddy's home?" You want us to go over to those girls, and say "Daddy's home." Really think about that, Barney.
Barney: Hmm... Yeah, think it's pretty solid.

Marshall: [after Barney pushes a shot to Ted] Interesting...
Ted: What... You want me to do a shot?
Barney: Oh no... I want you to do five shots.
Marshall: More interesting.

Ted: [Ted is drunk] Are you a vampire?
Carl: That's it, I'm cutting you off. Go home, Ted. Get some sleep.
Ted: Yep, the sun's comin' up pretty soon. Wouldn't wanna be around for *that*, now would we?

- You set me on fire.
- Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast.
- You got robbed. This is a blend.
- You set me on fire.
- And who's the girl in my bed?

- I don't know.
- What the hell happened to my jacket?
- Whoa.
- That girl in there is alive, right?
- I should call Barney.
- Maybe he knows what happened.

Robin: Ted, it's Robin.
Robin: Are you sure?

Ted: Why do they call it karaoke, anuhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okey? These are the kinds of things I think about.
Rude: Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.

Barney: Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do.
Marshall: Doo-doo.
Barney: [chuckling] Totally.

Carl: And how you guys liked the shots?
Ted: I drank all five, bitch!

Marshall: Oh, right, that's why we don't do shots.