The Best Night Court, Season 2, Episode 7 Quotes

Harry: Carla, I already quit, you can't tell them anything.
Carla B.: You're not a judge now, you can't tell me what to do anymore.
Judge Martin A. Landis: She's got you by the statutes there, Stone!

Judge: On July 12th of this year, didn't the defendant, claiming quote, "This courtroom ain't big enough for the two of us," unquote, squirt you in the face with a water pistol in open court?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That date again?
Judge: Just answer the question.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well yes he did, but it was an accident. He was aiming for my briefcase.
[Judge Landis laughs]
Judge Martin A. Landis: [Dan laughs. Then the judge orders-] Shut up.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Right.

Judge: [at Harry's Judicial Review] Excuse me, Judge Landis. We're ready to begin.
Judge Martin A. Landis: [appears to be reviewing documentation] Just a moment.
Judge Martin A. Landis: [shows a "Highlights" magazine to Judge Willard] Can you find the hippo in this picture?

Judge Martin A. Landis: [Bull sits in the witness seat, but as tall as he is Landis thinks he's still standing] You may be seated.
Bull: I am seated.
Judge Martin A. Landis: ...Oh yes, so you are.

Harry: Listen, Judge Landis...
Judge Martin A. Landis: Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.

Bull: [Bull steps down after giving his testimony. To Harry] I tried to look menacing.
Harry: [Proudly] A little more work and I think you'll have it.

Bull: [Being questioned by Judge Willard about his opinion of Harry] I'd take a bullet between the eyes for that man. I'd throw myself on a live grenade to save his life. I'd hammer a nail into my skull if he asked me to.

Judge Martin A. Landis: Do you understand the charges brought against you and the jeopardy involved?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Yes sir, I do.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Well you're one up on me.

Judge Martin A. Landis: Miss Bouvier, please have a seat.
Harry: NO!
Judge Martin A. Landis: Did he say "no"?
Harry: [to Willard] You have no right to pry into my private life or hers.
[to Landis]
Harry: None of this has anything to do with my competency on the bench.
Judge Martin A. Landis: I think we should let a court decide that, Judge Stone.
Judge: Ah, you ARE the court sir.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Hey, that's convenient, isn't it.

Judge Martin A. Landis: Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel?
Judge Harry T. Stone: I will be representing myself, Your Honor.
Judge Martin A. Landis: "He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Who said that?
Judge: Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Who cares?

Bull: I'd take a bullet between the eyes for that man. I'd jump on a live grenade to save his life. I'd hammer a nail through my skull if he asked me to.

Judge Martin A. Landis: You a Shriner, Stone?
Harry: No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.
Judge Martin A. Landis: That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!
Harry: You got a Captain Video helmet?
Judge Martin A. Landis: You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?

Billie: [Billie rushes in to Harry's office and addresses Landis] Your honor. I don't think its fair that I didn't get to present these facts at the hearing, I have done lots of research and have found presendence after presendence in support of Judge Stone's case. These accusations of impropriaty are totally unfounded and I demand that these charges be dropped immediately.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Agreed!
[Bangs Harry's oversized gavel]
Billie: Oh, good... Was it the evidence or the way I presented it.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Come on, I'll explain it over a couple of Piña Coladas.
[Billie hesitates]
Judge Martin A. Landis: Oh don't worry, I'm a judge not a dirty old man.
[Billie shrugs and leaves]
Judge Martin A. Landis: I lied, I'm both.

Judge Martin A. Landis: [after Dan's Testamoney] Does the Defense have any questions?
Harry: Not if I want to retain my citizenship.