The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 7, Episode 14 Quotes

Robin: [Sitting at the booth without Marshall and Lily] Look at what's become of our booth.
Ted: Looks like my old shop teachers hand - just sort of missing something.

Barney: As new group leader, I say we do something we never would have done with Marshall and Lily here. Remember that amazing idea I had that one time?
Barney: [Title says "Every night since 2005] Let's go to a strip club.
Lily: Nope.
Barney: [Back to present] So, what do you guys say? Let's declare your Independence with a on-the-pen-dance.
[Gets silence]
Barney: on-the-pen-dance.
Robin: Yeah, we got it.

Marshall: [after turning the power back on] I did it!
Mickey: No, Marshall. *You* did it.

Marshall: That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
Mickey: Well, I'm just trying to help...
Marshall: We don't need your help!

- Yes! She does have ears!
- You want to touch my girlfriend's boobs?
- Fifty bucks.
- Wait. Better Lily is dating this behemoth?
- Sound like anyone you know?
- That's New Marshall!
- This is our gang now!

- We go to underground poker game... in mostly-abandoned insane asylum.
- Yes!
- This is gonna be awesome!
- And when it is,
- I want you all to remember who led you there--
- Barney Stinson, new group leader.

Ted: [Drunk] Who needs Marshall and Lily. We have a new gang and we're all gonna hang out together forever.
Stripper: My shift is done. Good-bye.
Barney: Wait, stop! Technically this song's not over, so we own you. Plus, we're best friends! Where to next?
Arvydas: We go to underground poker game in mostly abandoned insane asylum.
Barney: Yes! This is going to be AWESOME. And when it is I want you all to remember who lead you there: Barney Stinson; new gang leader.
[Cut to sketchiest poker game ever]

Marshall: We've got no cell reception. I wanted to call Ted. This feels weird; the last time I lived this far from him was my semster abroad.
Lily: You never did a semester abroad?
Marshall: That's what I called it when we lived on opposite sides of the campus.

Ted: It's like when they canceled Party Of Five for the second time.
[pause]
Ted: I mean when they canceled -
[searching for something manly to say]
Ted: sports.

Kevin: Hey guys where are Marshall and Lily?
Robin: Something terrible happened...
Kevin: Are they okay? Are they in the hospital?
Barney: No, somewhere much, much worse...
Marshall: Long Island!

Lily: [Marshall is still wondering around in dark] Marshall! I just remember I saw a box of matches in the drawer next to the trash can.
Marshall: Thanks baby
[See Mickey dart around Marshall and take the matches]
Marshall: Lily, I can't find them!
Mickey: [On the inter-com, lights match] Looking for these?
[laughs evilly]
Mickey: Oh right, you can't see me. I'm burning the matches you so desperately need
[laughs evilly until the match burns to his fingers]
Mickey: Ah! Ooo. Ow!

Barney: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney: I'm your two best friends!

Mickey: This lamp absolutely can not be here.
Marshall: [Annoyed] Why not?
Mickey: It blocks my view of the widow Rodriguez doing her Jane Fonda work-outs.
Lily: Isn't she a little old dad?
Mickey: You didn't see her when I was a kid. In my mind, she'll always be fifty-four.

Mickey: [On the intercom while Marshall is walking through the dark house] Hello Mr. Eriksen. From the sound of the wind-chimes I hear you made it to the first floor
Marshall: You know what Mickey, you can save the creepy game-master routine. It's only kind of terrifying me.
Mickey: Oh, but the game has just begun. I call it "try not to bang into all the furniture and stuff on the way to the fuse box in the basement. Marshall" It's just all working title.

- Barney!
- Wh-What?
- I'm allowed to miss them.
- They're my two best friends.
- I'm your two best friends!
- And we're here tonight to show you there's no need to miss something... when you can replace it with something better!
- Gentlemen, say hello to J-J-Jasmine!

Narrator: A while back we discovered the most amazing thing: Lily had a doppelganger who was a Russian stripper
Barney: Look at her Ted: she's just like old less-good Lily, but instead of bossing us around, she shows us her boobs.
[Moves a hand toward her]
Stripper: [Slaps his hand] No touching.
Barney: Okay, a little bossing us around. I call her Better Lily!

Mickey: [Watching from his window] That's right Widow Rodriguez; stretch it. Work out those gams. Yeah, grab that left arm, clutch that chest. Fall down really fast... oh my god! Somebody call 911!

Arvydas: [about Stripper Lily] Want to touch my girlfriend's boobs? Fifty bucks.
Barney: Wait, Better Lily is dating this behemoth? Sound like anyone you know? That's new Marshall! This is our gang now!

Barney: Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!

Stripper: [Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians] We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
Robin: [thought] Please God, no!
Barney: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore!
Butterfly: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?