The Best Twin Peaks, Season 1, Episode 4 Quotes

- So here's the guy, right.
- He was the father.
- And this is his daughter in the coffin.
- He goes, boom!

Benjamin: Oh, thank god.
- All right, let's everyone just get into the car.

- Cooper: Diane, 7:15 am.
- I'll be heading to the sheriff's after breakfast.
- From there, we'll be going on to Laura Palmer's funeral.

Albert: Mr. Horne, I realize that your position in this fair community pretty well guarantees venality, insincerity, and a rather irritating method of expressing yourself. Stupidity, however, is not necessarily a inherent trait, therefore, please listen closely. You can have a funeral any old time. You dig a hole, you plant a coffin. I, however, cannot perform these tests next year, next month, next week or tomorrow - I must perform them now. I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentlemen, so why don't you please return to your porch rockers and resume whittling.

- I'm in a hurry.
- For what?
- Audrey, that perfume you're wearing is incredible.
- Do you really think so?
- Yes, I do.
- Please have a seat.
- And would you write your name down for me? Here.
- Okay.

Dale: Did you ever sell drugs to Laura Palmer?
Bernard: I don't sell drugs.
Sheriff: How much did Jacques pay you to be the mule?
Bernard: Jacques don't pay me anything. I'm no mule!
Sheriff: Oh, so that ounce of cocaine that we found on you is... let me guess: yours for personal use?
Bernard: Yeah, that's right.
Dale: Then I guess you don't get much sleep at night, Bernie.

Sylvia: Let Dr. Jacoby see what he can do.
- We gotta go.
- No, no.
- Jacoby: You do it, then.
Sylvia: Am I going to have to call Dr. Jacoby every damn time
- I have a problem with Johnny?

Leo: [into a phone] Yeah? Hello?
Jacques: [into a phone] Leo? It's Jacques.
Leo: [into the phone] What's up, Jacques?
Jacques: [into the phone] The light... the bust light's on!
Leo: [into the phone] You sure?
Jacques: [into the phone] I saw it, man! I saw it! It's blinking on top of the Roadhouse! Bernard's in trouble! You got to get me out of here right now, Leo! Border run!
Leo: [into the phone] Where are you?
Jacques: [into the phone] I'm at phone booth right next to the Cash and Carry Laundromat. And I don't like waiting, man!
Leo: [into the phone] Shut up! I'm on my way!
[Leo hangs up]

Shelly: I've got one man too many in my life and I'm married to him. Sound familiar?
Norma: Maybe you should have a little talk with Leo.
Shelly: Leo doesn't talk, he hits. He was so great at first, you know. This flashy guy in his hot car. Then we get married and I find out all he was looking for was a maid he didn't have to pay. I feel so stupid.
Norma: Look at us. Two men apiece and we don't know what to do with any of the four of them.

- Madeleine?
Jared (segment 'Invitation To Love'): Jade, what a surprise, I...
- Maddy?
- Is it you?
- Uncle Leland,
- I am so sorry.

- I saw it, man.
- You gotta get me out of here, Leo.
- Border run.
- Where are you?
- Phone booth by the cash and carry.
- And I don't like waiting, man.
- Shut up. I'm on my way.
- Where you going?
- You don't need to know.

Sheriff: Morning, Leo.
Leo: [hostile and beligerent tone] Who the hell is he?
Sheriff: This is Special Agent Cooper, FBI. He's investigating the murder of Laura Palmer. He'd like to ask you a couple of questions.
Leo: So ask!
Dale: Leo... is that short for Leonard?
Leo: That's a question?

Albert: I do not suffer fools gladly, and fools with badges never. I want no interference from this hulking boob. Is that clear?

- Truman: Josie.
- Josie, what's wrong?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
- God, you're beautiful.

Sheriff: [Lucy is watching a soap opera] Morning, Lucy. What's going on?
Lucy: Uhh, thanks to Jade, Jared decided not to kill himself and he's changed his will, leaving the Towers to Jade instead of Emerald but Emerald found out about it and now she's trying to seduce Chet to give her the new will so she can destroy it. Montana's planning to kill Jared at midnight so the Towers will belong to Emerald and Montana but I think she's going to double cross him and he doesn't know it yet. Poor Chet.
Sheriff: What's going on... here?
Lucy: Uh, Agent Cooper is in the conference room with Dr. Jacoby.

Dale: Did you know Laura Palmer?
Leo: [after a short pause] No.
Dale: Really? How well did you know her?
Leo: I said I didn't!
Dale: You're lying.
Leo: [sighs] I knew who she was. Everybody did, all right?
Dale: Do you have a criminal record?
Leo: Nothing. You can look it up.
Dale: I have. Illegal U-turn... April 1986. Drunk and disorderly... November 1987. September 1988, aggravated assult. Charges dropped.
Leo: So? I paid my debt to society.

Albert: He hit me!
Dale: Well, I'm sure he meant to do that.

- Men before us.
- Men before them.
- More after we're gone.
- A secret society.
- Why don't we take agent Cooper for a little ride?
- Where to?
- The bookhouse.

- Garland: Robbie.
- This may be a good time for a brief discussion.
- You wanna talk about cigarettes?
- Today?
- No, but put it out.
- It's a filthy habit, especially for a varsity athlete.

Benjamin: I'm going to give Little Elvis a bath.

Dr. Lawrence Jacoby: Laura had secrets and around those secrets she built the fortress that, well that in my six months with her, I was not able to penetrate and for which I consider myself an abject failure.

[about a dream he had of Laura Palmer]
Dale: She whispered to me who killed her
Sheriff: Well, what did she say?
Dale: You know... I don't remember.

- Cooper: Dream souls.
- Where do they wander?
- Hawk: Faraway places.
- The land of the dead.
- Cooper: Is that where Laura is?
- Hawk: Laura's in the ground, agent Cooper.
- That's the only thing I'm sure of.

- Diane, it's 12:27 pm.
- I'd like you to look into my pension-plan options regarding outside real-estate investment.
- I may look into purchasing property at what I assume will be a very reasonable price.

Major: Any time a man dies in war, he dies too soon.

- Have you seen my tackle box?
- The next time you and the merry widow wanna take a peek in my safe, don't go to so much trouble.
- Be a man about it, Pete.
- Ask me to my face.
- Maybe I'll, um, check the truck.

- Afraid of what?
- Well, the funeral.
- I'm not afraid of any damn funeral.
- I can hardly wait.
- I'm gonna turn it upside down!
Betty: Everybody ready?

Leland: Dance with me.
- Man 2: Come on, leave us alone.
Leland: Dance with me, please?
- Please.
- Please.
- Somebody dance with me.
- Mr. Palmer? Leland.

- I always knew inside, once you got to know me, we'd be together forever.
- That's not your bike, is it, ed?
- It's James.
- James who?

- If it was true with Andrew, you think they'll kill me too?
- Think they would?
- Josie, nothing is gonna happen to you.
- Not now, not ever.
- Not while I'm around.

- Truman: Hang on.
- Cooper: Can you reach him?
- Man: The whole thing has gone haywire.
- Don't ruin this too.
Leland: My baby.
- Laura.
- Laura.

- How do I look?
- Well, you look fine, Nadine.
- Oh, ed.
- Last night was wonderful.
- Oh, my darling ed, you came back to me.
- Now I feel like we're really together again.

- That's a way of living
- I thought had vanished.
- But it hasn't, Albert.
- It's right here in twin peaks.
- Sounds like you've been snacking on some of the local mushrooms.
- With your behavior towards these good people, consider yourself lucky
- I do not file a report of my own that could Bury you in a building so deep you'd never see the sun.

The: [introduction] Even the ones who laugh are sometimes caught without an answer: these creatures who introduce themselves but we swear we have met them somewhere before. Yes, look in the mirror. What do you see? Is it a dream, or a nightmare? Are we being introduced against our will? Are they mirrors? I can see the smoke. I can smell the fire. The battle is drawing nigh.

Albert: [about Sheriff Truman] Aw, look. It's trying to think.

- He's coming to work at the roadhouse?
- He the bartender, isn't he?
- Bernard, we've got you tied up in a chair.
- You're mixed up with your brother in a wide variety of felonies.
- What I wanna know is, why in the world would you tell us where and when to find him?

- There were two. I saw them.
- You believe me, don't you?
- Of course I do.
- There's nothing unusual in this one.
- Oh, there were two.
- I swear, there were two.

- A hail of bullets would be nice.
- That's enough.
- The sheriff didn't mean anything.
- He hit me.
- Well, I'm sure he meant to do that.
- Albert, I want you to release this girl's body to her family immediately.
- I want your test results by noon.
- Those are orders.
- Thank you, agent Cooper.

- September '88, aggravated assault, charges dropped.
- I paid my debt to society.
- Where were you the night of Laura Palmer's murder?
- Around midnight.
- On the road.
- I called my wife, Shelly, around that time from butte, Montana.
- She'll confirm this?
- She will if you ask her.

Dale: This must be where pies go when they die.

Sheriff: Your brother hasn't been to work for the past few days. Where is he?
Bernard: I don't know. He got personal business elsewhere.
Sheriff: Who else is he dealing drugs with?
Bernard: Why don't you ask him yourself? He will be at the Roadhouse tonight.
Sheriff: He's coming to work at the Roadhouse tonight?
Bernard: Yes. He's the bartender, isn't he?
Dale: Wait a minute here. Bernard, we have you tied to a chair. You're mixed up with your brother, Jacques, in a wide variety of felonies. What I want to know is why in the world would you tell us where and when to find him?

Sheriff: I've had just about enough of you and your insults!
Albert: Oh yeah? Well, I've had about enough of this small town filled with morons and half wits, dolts, dunces, dullards and dumbbells... and you... you chowder-head yokel, you blithering hayseed. You've had enough of me?
Sheriff: Yes, I have.
[Truman punches Albert in the face]

Sheriff: There's a sort of evil out there. Something very, very strange in these old woods. Call it what you want. A darkness, a presence. It takes many forms but... its been out there for as long as anyone can remember and we've always been here to fight it.