The Best The Sopranos, Season 3, Episode 5 Quotes

- Can I tell you something?
- She's a cunt, my fucking wife.
- A girl like Ade, that's a woman.
- If I still had my hair...
- She's a young girl. You could have hair like fucking Casey kasem.
- It won't make a difference.
- Yeah.

Manager: Leon, take your break at 2.

- Yes?
- The Tony soprano wiretap has been neutralized.
- What do you mean?

- I can't even open my mouth.
- Who's picking on you?
- She took your side with everything.
- Please!
- I'm sure you'll have a good laugh about it next time.
- Yeah.
- Oh, motherfucking fuck!
- Jesus Christ.

Artie: [after exiting the kitchen of his restaurant, jokingly referring to Christopher sitting next to Tony] Wait a minute, who let this one in here?
Tony: [jokingly, as Artie walks to their table] Oh, Wolfgang fuckface
Christopher: [as Artie pats on his shoulders] Hey, Artie
Artie: [to Christopher] The man who stole her away
Christopher: [to Tony who looks confused, referring to her quitting her job] Adriana, she gave her notice
Tony: [sarcastically to Artie when he sits down at their table and pours himself a glass of wine] help yourself
Artie: [points to Christopher before he nods] You better be good to that girl... cocksucker
Tony: no wonder the food sucks: Your supposed to cook with the wine Artie
Artie: [referring to Adriana] Three years, best hostess I ever had
Artie: [points to Christopher] This... piece of shit steals her away
Tony: [noticing Christopher is becoming agitated] Artie, come on
Artie: [before playfully rubbing Christopher hair] Oh come on, he knows I'm breakin his balls
Artie: [to Christopher] Seriously though, if I'm you, I'd hire a food taster. You don't want to fuck with a chef, my friend
Christopher: [irritated] Why? You think you're the only one who knows how to swing a meat cleaver?
Artie: [does the Bras d'honneur gesture to Christopher] Fuck you
Tony: [implying to him he should stop insulting Christopher] Artie...

Junior: What's with you? All day "gloomy Gus"
Bobby: I'm sorry, it's my father
Junior: [Referring to his lung cancer] his a tough man he'll beat the fuckin thing
Bobby: It's not the cancer, it's Tony
Junior: Tony? What about him? Stop speaking in nanograms
Bobby: He Okayed my dad to do the hit on Mustang Sally
Junior: The prick put the Spatafore kid in a coma
Bobby: Fuck Sally. I'm worried about it's my father he can't do this, his been retired for seven years
Junior: What's this? We're in the navy?
Bobby: It's not that, this was a proud man. His over the other night I had to help him off the toilet because his so weak
Junior: [while Bobby cries] will you shut the fuck up with toilets? All this morbidity. I'm sorry, your right, at this point in a man's life to have him do something like this?
Bobby: You know I've never asked you for anything, you can tell him I'll do it myself if he wants
Junior: Fuck what he wants. I'm still the boss of this family
Bobby: Your right. I'm sorry
Junior: Stop your crying I'll tell him. Your making me fuckin depressed now

Carmela: Two weeks ago? Why didn't you say anything? Did you report it at least?
Meadow: Who? The rent-a-cops? Campus security is a joke
Carmela: Don't you think they should know they have a thief "preying" on the school?
Tony: [after entering the kitchen] Who? What're you talking about?
Meadow: [avoiding to involve him in their conversation] Nothing
Carmela: Her bike was stolen outside the library two weeks ago
Tony: The ten-speed? Did you lock it up?
Meadow: They used bolt cutters
Carmela: Some black guy from the neighborhood: one of the other kids saw him
Meadow: [irritated, noticing Tony smiling] What?
Tony: Did I say anything?
Tony: [while pouring himself a cup of orange juice, sarcastically] A black guy, imagine that
Carmela: [implying to him not to start an argument with Meadow after the incident between Tony and Meadow's African American boyfriend] Tony...
Tony: [sarcastically] You know, I can't believe it
Meadow: I'm not listening to this shit
Tony: Why don't you just admit it? You're thinking exactly what I'm thinking
Carmela: Tony, what did I say?
Tony: What is it my fault, you're twice as likely to get robbed by a black?
Meadow: [angrily] That is so fucking racist
Tony: It happens to be a fact
Meadow: [referring to the former Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan] Or who? David Duke?
Tony: No, try the FBI, I saw it on TV
Meadow: Oh, so now you're quoting the FBI?
Tony: I'm just telling you what I heard
Carmela: Tony, stop, now
Tony: Why?
Meadow: For your information, crime is an economic issue: not a racial one. White or African American, you're more likely to steal if you're in a lower income bracket which most African Americans are
Tony: Good, then next time, you'll feel better when the next one takes your car stereo
Meadow: [raises her voice] You are such a hypocrite
Tony: [raises his voice] This is what I've been trying to tell you all along: stay with your own people

- This way, sir.
- We got all kinds...

- Yeah, but it's kind of harsh, no?
- I spoke to his unit commander.
- Nobody likes him.
- He's a rabble-rouser.
- Yeah, maybe. But I don't know, it...
- It goes beyond you.
- The guy's depressed or something.
- They think he might have some serious mental problems.

Assemblyman Zellman: Restaurants, stores, slips for luxury yachts
Tony: [to Johnny] We'll call my plumber at the electrical unions: the steel, the brickwork, it's all yours
Johnny: We need to have a conversation about Local 187
Assemblyman Zellman: [to Johnny] You gotta come by the office, see the scale model, the guy even makes little people walking on the street
Johnny: [jokingly] Fuckin Newark, they got little hookers giving little blowjobs?
Johnny: [stands up] I gotta go take a leak
Assemblyman Zellman: So, I got a call from Eddie Volar at the PBA: your "friend", the cop? His bitching about losing his overtime. His got some black officer squad looking into his case
Tony: oh, yeah?
Assemblyman Zellman: If you want, I can get it "squashed", get him reassigned
Tony: [after thinking it over] You know what? Fuck him, cocksucker got what he deserved

- So this guy still in a coma?
- Should I visit him, or is that too fucked up?
- Yeah, I think you should go see him.
- I don't know.
- Maybe I should send flowers, or some shit.
- Oh, what the fuck?

- What happens if I don't feel like shutting the engine?
- Dispatch, request backup.
- You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- Tony.
- Five-eight-two, what's your 20?
- Dispatch, cancel backup.
- This the high point of your career?
- Wait in the car.

- Wait a second.
- Where are you taking that lamp?
- Mine gives me a headache.
- Don't change the subject!
- I'm out of here!
- Be sure to call when you need some money!
- Now you got something you can rat me out about in therapy!
- Madonna, this place!
- You only retire once.

- Who? What are you talking about?
- Nothing.
- Her bike was stolen two weeks ago.
- The ten speed?
- Didn't you lock it up?
- They used bolt cutters.
- A black guy from the neighborhood.
- One of the kids saw him.
- What?
- Did I say anything?

- What happened to sal bonpensiero?
- Witness protection.
- Would you like to pray with me?

Carmela: [Participating in Tony's therapy session for the first time] how are you feeling, from your accident?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Fine, thank you
Carmela: Honestly, if you told me five years ago I'd be sitting here today
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony's attacks, how do they make you feel?
Carmela: Concerned of course, helpless, a little frustrated
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe with your inability to help him?
Carmela: To tell you the truth I was referring to your inability to help him
Tony: She has helped me, what're you talking about?
Carmela: You've been coming here for three years Tony and you still pass out on a regular basis
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to Carmela] I understand your frustration. Did Anthony share with you any insights about his last panic attack?
Tony: I told you remember? The gabagool and my mother when I was a little kid
Carmela: Right, yes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that there's anything in the present family "dynamic" that could serve as a trigger? Something in your dialog perhaps?
Carmela: Excuse me?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't really know you that well, we're trying to get to root causes
Tony: Like maybe you do things that may have some affect on me?
Carmela: Oh, really?
Tony: What? People affect each other in life
Carmela: [to Dr. Melfi] oh I get it, is this how it works? You can't get any answers so you start looking for someone else to point the finger at?
Tony: She's not saying anything, why are you getting so defensive?
Carmela: You know what Tony? Maybe you should "explore" your own behavior, maybe you pass out because you're guilty over something. Maybe because of the fact that you stick your dick into anything with a pulse, you ever "explore" that as a root cause?
Tony: [Sarcastically] very nice, that's very nice
Carmela: Uh-huh
Tony: [to Carmela] I told you months ago I broke it off with that Russian person
Tony: [to Dr. Melfi] right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Carmela: It's incredible, it's like people who smoke their entire lives then they sue the cigarette companies when they get cancer
Tony: [Faces away from her] you know, you agreed to come here, oh forget it, this is fuckin ridiculous
Carmela: Right, just sit there, silence, anger, then you pass out and then you blame the rest of the world
Tony: [Sarcastically] yeah I love you too
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're both very angry.

- Threw a hot dog vendor off the second mezzanine. Too many onions.
- Geeg?
- Get him under control.
- With extreme fucking prejudice.
- We gotta go. All right.
- See you, ton.
- Hey, it's gonna be fine.
- Thanks, Tony.

- I want this cocksucker to bleed from his ass, skipper.
- You got it.
- Just say the word.
- Go grab us some coffee.
- Come on, you kidding?
- Better yet, go to the ear, nose and throat department.
- Get your hearing checked.

- How you doing?
- Got new shoes.
- Soles are a little heavy.
- License, registration, and insurance card, please.
- You're with the township, right?
- I had dinner with your boss last week.
- Tony soprano.
- Please remove the license from the wallet.

- I took those Duncan sheik records and shoved them up his ass.
- Wait a minute.
- Who let this one in?
- Wolfgang fuckface.
- Hey, Artie.
- The man who stole her away.
- Adriana, she gave her notice.

- You're the only one who can swing a meat cleaver?
- Fuck you.
- Artie.
- I'm kidding!
- Wanna try cooking with one fucking eye?
- That's enough! Go wait outside!
- Now!

- Sauce, taralli, ravioli.
- That's great. Congratulations!
- You change your mind, there's room on my staff...
- For a bright, sexy vice president.
- It's a big step. Marriage.
- You sure you're ready?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

- Hey, you fucking greaseball, you.
- Any more smart remarks?
- No, Mr. Bacala, please!
- Please, no more!
- Mmm...

Tony: [while visiting Bryan Spatafore in the hospital, after greeting everybody] how's he doing?
Gigi: I talked to him before. I think he squeezed my hand
Vito: His going to be a vegetable Tony, a fuckin retard
Tony: No, his going to be fine
Ralph: [after no one found his joke amusing] well look at the bright side, he wasn't that smart to begin with. Come on it's a tense situation a little levity huh?
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] What're you doing here?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I can't visit my cousin?
Vito: [Referring to Mustang Sally] I want this cocksucker to bleed from his ass skipper
Gigi: You got it
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Just say the word: my fuckin pleasure
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] Why don't you grab us some coffee?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Come on, are you kidding?
Paulie: [after pulling his chair away from the hospital bed] better yet: Go to the ears, nose, and throat department: get your hearing checked
Tony: All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this?
Vito: I'm upset, but please... I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph: Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.
Gigi: [Turns round to confront Ralphie] what the fuck is wrong with you? We're trying to have a meeting here
Ralph: Oh, two minutes in charge, he thinks his Lee Iacocca
Tony: [while tapping his right shoulder, implying they shouldn't start a confrontation inside the hospital] come on, not here
Tony: [to Vito] there's no beef between your brother and Mustang Sally?
Paulie: Didn't owe him any money? Nothing like that?
Vito: No, nothing
Ralph: [Referring to Mustang Sally] this kid's a whack job: Meadowlands last year remember? Threw a hot dog vendor off the second mezzanine, too many fuckin onions or some shit
Tony: [to Gigi] you get him under control?
Gigi: With extreme fuckin prejudice
Tony: [to Paulie, after nodding to Gigi meaning his giving his approval to have Mustang Sally killed] we gotta to go

Bobby: Ya, fuckin' greaseball, ya. C'mon, c'mon. Any more smart remarks?
Petey: No Mr. Bacala! Please, please! No more!
Bobby: [shoots Petey]

- Is it okay if tonight's my last night?
- Yeah, I guess I'll get
- Charmaine to cover.
- Thank you!
- I was so nervous about telling you.
- Christopher's picking me up.
- I'm gonna fix my makeup.
- Okay.
- Of course.

Junior: Where's your father?
Bobby: He called, stopped by the bakery to pick up a short cake
Junior: He never comes empty handed
Bobby: Did you talk to Tony?
Junior: [Referring to his request to Junior to have someone else kill Mustang Sally because of his father's health and old age] no, I decided against it. I didn't even call him. You choose this life it comes with responsibility, no one knows that better than your old man
Bobby: I was asking for me
Junior: Teddy Roosevelt once gave an entire speech with a bullet lodged in his chest. Some things are a matter of duty
Junior: [while Bobby Sr. enters the kitchen coughing] are you alright?
Bobby 'Bacala' Sr.: I'm fine, fuckin steps
Junior: Here, sit down
Junior: [after seeing blood Bobby Sr. coughed into his handkerchief] fuck, is that blood? Jesus Christ, call a fuckin doctor
Bobby: It's the nodules in his lungs, it happens when his out of breath
Junior: Is this what it comes down to?
Junior: [to Bobby Jr] Get him some water for Christ's Sake. These doctors what're doing for him?
Bobby: I don't know, whatever they do
Junior: [to Bobby Sr] I want you to call John Kennedy, his the head of Oncology at St. Barnabas
Bobby 'Bacala' Sr.: I'm happy with my guy
Junior: What the fuck is he doing? Are you taking the chemo? Is he giving you oxygen therapy?
Bobby 'Bacala' Sr.: The cure is worse than the fuckin illness
Junior: [Referring to Tony giving the order to kill Mustang Sally] Cocksucker! This is an outrage! He can't have you clip someone in this condition
Bobby 'Bacala' Sr.: I want to do it. Eight years sitting on my ass, it'll feel good being useful for a change
Junior: This Sally's a tough kid, what if things don't go your way?
Bobby 'Bacala' Sr.: They don't? They don't, what the fuck? I'm dead anyway

- You agreed to come here.
- Forget it, this is fucking ridiculous.
- Right, just sit there.
- Silence, anger, then you pass out and you blame the rest of the world.
- Yeah, I love you too.
- You're both very angry.
- Must've been top of your class.

- I should go apologize.
- Not right now, okay?
- Let me talk to Chris.
- You go home.
- Call me tomorrow.
- Got a business opportunity over in Newark.
- Jesus-fucking-Christ.

- Our tax dollars, hard at work.
- You'd think they'd be out arresting dope dealers.
- This fucking smoke's actually writing me up.
- Stay in the car, Tony.
- Affirmative action cocksucker.

Tony: [after breaking up a fight between Artie and Christopher, referring to Adriana] What the fuck is wrong with you? She's his fuckin fiancée
Artie: I loved her, I fuckin love her now
Tony: [surprised, laughs and pats Artie on his cheeks] Do me a favor: don't ever fuckin say that again to anybody... ever
Artie: oh, what am I? A joke?
Tony: [pats him on his head] Yeah, a stupid fuckin bald one, not to mention married?
Artie: Can I tell you something? She's a cunt... my fuckin wife. A girl like Ade, that's a woman. I still have my hair
Tony: She's a young girl, you're gonna be like Casey Kasem to her: it won't make a difference
Tony: [after kissing his head] Alright look, go in the back, get some coffee, go home and go the fuck to sleep
Artie: [while trying to walk away] I should go and apologize to Christopher
Tony: [holds him back] not right now: Let me talk to Chris... you go home

- There's a million ways, but this'll work.
- It was gigi's idea,
- I'm not cutting his balls off.
- Sally's Mia. Two days ago he reaches out to bacala for help.
- Old man bacala's his godfather, he can get close without arousing suspicion.
- Doesn't sit right.
- He's done it before.
- He's a sick man!
- It's something to live for.

- You're a liar!
- What was he lying about?
- The old man?
- What's he look like?
- Like an old fucking man.
- He's all coughing and shit.
- Uncle Bobby, thank god.
- Thanks for coming.
- More fucking stairs.

- Whoa, it's shaft.
- What, are you here on a stakeout?
- May I help you?
- I need a piece of this.
- Unless you wanna come over...
- Check out my birdbath, make sure it's up to code.
- I'll check the computer.

- Cocksucker! This is an outrage!
- You can't clip someone like this!
- Junior, I want to do it.
- Eight years sitting on my ass.
- It'll feel good being useful.
- He's tough.
- What if things don't go your way?
- If they don't, they don't.
- What the fuck, I'm dead anyway.

- Your friend the cop is bitching about his overtime.
- He's got some black officer's squad looking into his case.
- Oh, yeah?
- If you want, I can get it squashed.
- Get him reassigned.
- You know what? Fuck him.
- Cocksucker got what he deserved.

Tony: Old man Bacala is ok with this, what'd you give a shit anyway?
Junior: What is it with you? These power trips
Tony: The fuck are you talking about?
Junior: It has to be the old man? There's no other way?
Tony: There's a million other ways but this one will work. It was Gigi's idea. I'm not cutting his balls off. Mustang Sally's MIA. Two days ago he reaches out to old man Bacala for help. Old man Bacala is his godfather, he can get close without arousing suspicion
Junior: It still doesn't sit right
Tony: His done it a thousand times
Junior: His a sick old man
Tony: Good, it'll give him something to live for

- Glad I have your fucking approval.
- Whatever you say, cappy.
- Here it is. For you, junior, and anybody the fuck else.
- Gigi's captain.
- He gave the order.
- Iokayedit end of fucking story.
- Tony, no offense.
- Obviously it's your call.
- Yeah, obviously.

- Because then maybe, at any minute, boom!
- I really been coming to know Christ.
- Ma, febby, uncle jun?
- Always comes in threes.
- And then there's the holy Trinity.
- You think that's a coincidence?

- Or if it does, I'll at least yell
- "fore!" Next time.
- I'm sorry, I shouldn't make jokes.
- Get me a glass of water.
- Yeah.
- You want ice?
- No.
- Let the water run, make sure it's cold.
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

- A good friend.
- Motherfucker!
- Goddamn it!
- Dirty bastard!
- Son of a...
- Jesus-fucking-Christ!

- Talk to Tony?
- No, I decided against it.
- I didn't even call him.
- This life comes with responsibilities.
- Your old man knows that.
- I was asking for me.
- Teddy Roosevelt gave an entire speech with a bullet in his chest.
- Some things are a matter of duty.

- What?
- Nothing.
- It's just, you send in an old man?
- What's he gonna do, gum him to death?
- Anybody ask for your input?
- No, no, I'm just saying.
- You should let me do it.
- I'll take the guy apart at the joints.
- With him conscious.

- Yeah, all right.
- You're sick, people treat you like a nonentity. I'm serious.
- You can't talk about this with anybody.
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.
- Of course.
- Hello?
- Uncle jun's got cancer.

- I go in in two weeks.
- This has to stay between us, Anthony.
- Yeah, of course.
- Look, we'll get you help.
- We'll get you the best there is.
- First Jackie with cancer, then febby.
- Old man bacala had it, but now you'll get me help?
- These things come in threes.