The Best The Office, Season 2, Episode 7 Quotes

Michael: Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake.

Dwight: [playing Agent Michael Scarn in a screenplay written by Michael] "Sam, get my luggage."
Ryan: [playing Agent Michael Scarn's assistant, Samuel L. Chang, with Asian accent] "I forget it, brother."
Dwight: "Samuel, you are such an idiot. You are the worst assistant ever and you're disgusting. Dwigt." Wait, who's Dwigt?
Pam: [in confessional] Here's what we think happened: Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt." And Dwight figured it out. Oops!

Oscar: She had done a background check on me; she had it printed out.
Jim: No!
Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Toby: That is unbelievable.
Pam: What is going on?
Jim: We are doing worst first dates.
Pam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar: Okay, that's a joke.
Pam: No, they had to come back for me.
Jim: Wait, when was this?
Pam: Umm... it was not that long ago.
Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance.
[laughs]

Michael: First guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."

- Told it, not as good as you think. Pick another one.
- Okay. "There's a transcript between a naval ship..."
- Okay! Bingo! And a lighthouse.
- Yes. That is hysterical.
- Could you start that one from the beginning?
- Sure. "There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse..."

- Let's go.
- What? Let's go.
- Going... okay. Where're we going? Doesn't matter.
- Going to the go-go.
- Okay.

Dwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma!" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.

- Yeah. Who dry-cleans jeans?
Pam: Michael and his jeans.
- He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I can tell you he loves the way he looks in those jeans.
- I know that's why he started casual Fridays.
- I'll take those. Thanks.

- See you!
- Thanks.
- We did it. Yes!
- We got it! I mean, we got it! We nailed it! Nailed it! Come here. Yes!
- I am really thrilled.

- Michael?
- Michael?
- His car's not in the parking lot.
- I should check the accident reports.
- Who's this?
- Jan.

Christian: [Speaking of Jan's divorce] You were really brave. I mean, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. You said, "World, this is my blood, it's red, just like yours. So love me."

Jim: [last lines - to the camera] It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé.

- I've been looking fonnard to it.
- It's gonna be really nice.
- I'm gonna find myself.
- You have new music?
- Yeah.
- Definitely.