The Best Rick and Morty, Season 1, Episode 8 Quotes

Jerry: Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.

Rick: Hey, do we have any wafer cookies?
[grabs cookie box, eats cookie and starts walking away]
Rick: Mm!
[stops and looks back at Jerry, Summer, and Beth]
Rick: Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers". I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

- j” and when you breathe j” j” you breathe for two j” hey, "ball fondlers"?
- Huh, "ball fondlers"?
- Yeah, I could go for some "ball fondlers."
- Yeah, "ball fondlers."
- Aah!

Beth: Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, YOU resent ME for holding YOU back.
Jerry: Well now that we know you think the tables are turning, WE know YOU thought there were unturned tables!

- how would they find their butt person again?
- I don't know, summer.
- I can't even hear the TV.
- All right, that's it.
- We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day.
- Ooh, family vacation!

Rick: [after watching a new TV series] Pretty cool, huh Morty?
[realizes that Morty is gone and Jerry is sitting next to him]
Rick: Oh...
Jerry: I thought it was cool...
Rick: I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry!

Gazorpazorpfield: [yawns] I hate Mumunmununsdays... and I really could go for some enchiladas.
[Title: "Gazorpazorpfield: Gimmie My Darn Enchiladas!]
Morty: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead, it's Gazorpazorpfield.
Rick: Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where- where, uh, where those sex robots came from, remember, that whole thing?
Morty: Yeah. Hey, that's pretty, pretty... that's true, that's right.
Rick: Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Gazorpazorpfield: Hey, Jon. It's me, Gazorpazorpfield. Boy, fuck you, Jon, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Jon: Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?
Gazorpazorpfield: You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white... uh, uh... guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.
Jon: Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's... you know, y-you're pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
Gazorpazorpfield: I don't give a fuck. I'm Gazorpazorp-fucking-field, bitch.
[Gazorpazorpfield kicks Jon's coffee mug]
Gazorpazorpfield: Now give me my fucking enchiladas!

- and realizing you don't have it as good, huh?
- That's too bad.
- You know, me and morty are having a blast.
- We just discovered a show called "ball fondlers."
- I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

- No, the other thing! Go back.
Rick: Really? All right, fine.
- Glen, this court order says you can't eat shit anymore.
- All right, Jerry.
- When you're right, you're right.
- Now I'm hooked.

Summer: [Speaking to Morty] You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery, you're just a symptom of it.

Don: It's "Saturday Night Live"! Starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Garmanarar, three s- eh- bl- um- uh- uh- uh- I'll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and returning for his twenty-fifth consecutive year, Bobby Moynihan!
Rick: Interesting fun fact: uh, Moynihan and Piece of Toast hate each other. Apparently they've got some real creative differences.

Morty: That, out there, that's my grave.
Summer: Wait, what?
Morty: On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality and we came to this one, because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed and in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a- a- and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse.
Summer: So you're not my brother?
Morty: I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

Jerry: [to Beth] All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"
Summer: Um...
Jerry: [to Beth] Well now you know: you'd be a doctor.
[circles finger]
Jerry: Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht -
[holds up device]
Jerry: banging Kristen Stewart!
Summer: You thought about getting an abortion?
Beth: Everyone thinks about it. Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it. So you're welcome.
Jerry: Yeah, you're welcome.
Summer: Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy.