The Best The Sopranos, Season 2, Episode 3 Quotes

Corrado: Federal marshals are so far up my ass I can taste Brylcreem.

Tony: [to Christopher as he walks up to their table in front of Satriale's, referring to their predetermined time to meet] Hey, I said four o'clock.
Christopher: The fuck? I leave before the stock market closes, you yell at me for not watching the phone guys.
Tony: [to Christopher as he gestures to Richie] Meet Richie Aprile.
Christopher: [to Richie] Jesus Christ, how're you doing? Your brother was like a fucking god, great leader! I also heard a lot about you.
Richie: Yeah, and I heard a lot about you. That's why I'm here.
Christopher: What do you mean?
Richie: [referring to Tony] Out of respect for our "friend" here, I'm gonna talk nice. You ever raise your hand to my niece again, next time you won't see my face. You understand?
Christopher: Who told you I put my hand on her?
Richie: [to Tony] is this kid getting jerky with me?
Tony: [Tony Soprano shakes his head]
Richie: Look kid, I shouldn't have to explain myself. I'm from the "old-school". You wanna raise your hand, you give her your last name. Then it's none of my fuckin' business. Until then, keep your hands in your pockets. We understand each other? Now get outta here, I wanna talk to Tony.
Tony: [to Christopher, after Christopher and Richie shake hands] Go ahead.

- Oh, jeez! What is this?
- Why don't you ring for the nurse?
- Never you mind!
- That's their job.
- I don't need them.
- My daughter came all the way from Seattle.
- Oh, Jesus!

Carmela: [Referring to Meadow] Alright, let's get her down here.
Tony: I guess, where is the bride of Frankenstein?
Carmela: She's still sleeping.
Tony: You're right, go wake her up.
Carmela: I wake her up?
Tony: Yeah, I want to get this shit out of the way before I go out.
Janice: Let her sleep, you guys are making too much of this.
Carmela: I don't think we're making enough, she was drunk.
Janice: It's her choice. There's a Zuni saying "For every twenty wrongs a child does, ignore nineteen."
Tony: There's an old Italian saying "You fuck up once, you lose two teeth."
Janice: See? That's what this is all about, ego and control.
Carmela: I beg your pardon?
Tony: No, please don't try and make sense with her.
Carmela: No, I want to understand this. Go ahead, tell me.
Janice: You want to hold onto control over a young woman whose entire biological determinism is to achieve independent thought and behavior. Because she's "exercised" her independence, you want to penalize her because you don't agree with her choices.
Carmela: [to Meadow while she walks into the kitchen] Well?
Carmela: Good morning, I'm sorry, is it afternoon?
Meadow: Mom, please.
Carmela: Please, what? You better have some answers, young lady.
Tony: Yeah, that's right.
Carmela: [after she remains silent] OK, fine, you're punished.
Meadow: For what? I didn't do anything.
Tony: Oh, you call what you did to grandma's house "nothing"?
Meadow: [Raising her voice] It wasn't my fault.
Carmela: It's never your fault, Meadow.
Meadow: It was just supposed to be me, Hunter, and the Mackalalooso twins and Steve shows up with his asshole friend Adam and a bunch of people from Bolton.
Tony: Oh, so Steve's walking around trying doorknobs until he hits the jackpot.
Meadow: No, Hunter goes and tells him.
Carmela: [Referring to Meadow constantly shifting blame to her friend Hunter] Oh, now with the "Hunter".
Tony: She's over at her house blaming it all on Meadow, it's an old game.
Meadow: We're under a lot of pressure, you try studying day and night to get into college. We deserved a night.
Tony: [Noticing she's becoming emotional] OK, take it easy, take it easy.
Carmela: I'm sorry you're under a lot of pressure but it's still no excuse.
Tony: So, who was this "ecstasy" guy?
Meadow: I just told you, Adam, I don't even know him. He just showed up with Steve.
Carmela: Is this the same Steve I know? The school newspaper kid you're always with?
Meadow: He's a "flake", why do you think I stopped hanging out with him?
Carmela: That's news to me you stopped hanging out with Steve.
Meadow: It's painful to talk about, OK?
Tony: Well, you're going to get punished.

Tony: We're old school; we wash our own dirty laundry.

Paulie: [Referring to Beansie] Richie broke a chair over his head.
Tony: Are you shitting me?
Paulie: Then he smacked Beansie's head with the coffee pot and broke his cheekbone.
Tony: Prick, I talked to him yesterday, he's all "sweetness and lights." This "big brother" shit is getting old.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Hey, how you've been?
Tony: Can't complain. You look good.
Paulie: Where are your friends going?
Johnny: Yeah, tell them to come back and join us.
Tony: No, they're leaving.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's my first time here, the veal is excellent.
Tony: What are we making? Small talk now?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Nice to see you.
Tony: Yeah, you too.
Silvio: Not a bad ass.
Salvatore: [to Tony, referring to Dr. Melfi's breasts] She had nice "pipes" for the lips, no disrespect.
Tony: What do I give a fuck? I hardly know her.
Silvio: [to Pussy] You would take the tits over the lips?
Salvatore: Trust me, my boy, there's two things I'm good at: pulling dents and spotting good blowjobs, and that sweetie has world class blowjob lips, am I right skipper? You ought to know.
Tony: What the fuck do I know? It was a long time ago. Alright, she was good.
Paulie: Good? Or great?
Tony: Why the fuck are you busting my balls? It was a long time ago.
Paulie: [to Tony] Hey, I remember every blowjob I ever got.
Paulie: [to Sil] How about you? You remember your first blowjob?
Silvio: Yeah, of course.
Paulie: [Jokingly] How long did it take for the guy to cum?

- I'm the motherfucking fucking one who calls the shots.
- You pay me the respect I gave your brother or we're gonna have a problem.
- A bad one.
- Now get the fuck out of here.
- All right, Tony.
- Yeah. All right.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly, greeting a intoxicated Hunter dancing in the front lawn of his mom's house] Hey Janet Jackson
Hunter: hi. Mr. Soprano
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: where's Meadow?
Hunter: [referring to Meadow's grandmother's home] I give up, in the house?

- There's no need for that talk.
- What?
- My sister.
- Janice. How's she doing?
- Oh, I thought you were baiting me.
- You know...
- "How's your sister?"
- "Fuck your mother."
- No.

- Hey, no speeding.
- This is a party zone!
- Come on! We can do it!
- Hey, Janet Jackson.
- Hi, Mr. Soprano!
- Where's Meadow?
- I give up. In the house?

- Richie, no! Richie, no!
- Jesus!

Tony: [Repeated line to Meadow, scolding her after she threw a party that resulted in a partygoer getting arrested for dealing drugs, another partygoer being hospitalized for overdosing on drugs, and the house ended up being littered with trash, vomit, and urine] In your grandmother's house.

- I'll be back every Saturday, partner.
- I don't fucking believe this.
- I'm being shaken down, for what?
- Tell me, what did I do?
- This is not right.
- I'm not gonna fucking lay down.
- I'll step up.

- Then it's not my business.
- Until then, keep your hands in your pockets.
- We understand each other?
- Now get out of here.
- I want to talk to Tony.
- Go ahead.

- _hey!
- Whoa!
- Don't look like you're gonna cry.
- You made your bed.
- I need $15.
- Excuse me?
- A Cole Porter cd. It's for madrigals.
- We're doing three of his songs.
- You took my card, remember?

- In your grandmother's house.
- Now he's repeating himself.
- Just lucky I knew that cop.
- So he cut me a favor.
- Let me guess, he owes you money?

Carmela: [Referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Tony: Typical?
Carmela: Plenty of parents still "crack the whip"
Tony: Yeah, that's what they tell you
Carmela: I cannot wait until she goes off the college
Tony: Then you can be fucked up with the "empty nest" syndrome and go on Wellbutrin like your sister?
Carmela: As a parent today, you are "over a barrel" no matter what you do: you take away the car, you become her chauffeur. You ground her, you gotta stay home weekends and be prison guards
Tony: And if you throw her out, the Social Services will bring her back, and we'd be in front of the judge: she's not eighteen yet
Carmela: That's your solution? To throw your daughter out?
Tony: All I'm saying is with the laws today, you can't even restrain your kid physically because she can sue you for child abuse
Carmela: There has to be consequences
Tony: And there will be, I hear you ok? Let's not "overplay" our "hand" because if she finds out we're powerless, we're fucked

Carmela: [referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Typical?

Janice: Have you seen what she did?
Tony: Who?
Janice: Meadow: that house is fucked
Tony: I thought you didn't swear?
Carmela: [Entering the room] what are you talking about?
Janice: I am outraged. No, I am beyond outraged, talk about disgrace, disrespect for other people's property. That place looks like a shooting gallery, it smells of urine, there's puke all over the beautiful hardwood floors...
Tony: [Interrupts her, sarcastically] sounds like your apartment in Venice
Carmela: Don't worry about it: she's been punished
Janice: [Sarcastically] oh my God, three weeks without a credit card, that's some heavy shit there
Janice: You know if that was my child...
Tony: [Angrily interrupts her, slaps his bowl of cereal on the floor] you know what? Fuck this, you got a lot of fuckin balls, you know that?
Janice: Don't talk to me like that
Tony: No, let's "clear the air" here. You ride into town like the "mission come lately", trying to play the "concerned daughter" who the fuck are you kidding? Your just here to pick the friggin bones
Janice: [Sternly] there's a lot I could say that I'm not gonna say
Tony: [Before walking away, referring to her demeanor] a lot of balls
Janice: Temper tantrums: he hasn't changed one iota since we lived in Newark, not one iota
Carmela: You are passing judgment on him: on us as parents. I told you once already, how we discipline our children is none of anybody's business
Janice: You let that girl ride rough shot over you, some day your gonna regret it
Carmela: Mother of God, are all of you Sopranos the same? I asked you nicely to stay out of it, you pretend you don't hear me, well maybe you'll hear this? Mind your fucking business, keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids alright?
Janice: [Feeling guilty] maybe I've stayed here too long?

- Yeah, yeah.
- I see you like the dark.
- Yeah, something like that.

Tony: I don't talk business with anybody: don't take it personally. A guy in my position is a government target, why do you think we're meeting in a fuckin mall?
Richie: I'm the guy who saved you from the "hit parade"
Tony: When? When did you ever step in for me?
Richie: You forget? When you and my kid brother stuck up "Feech" La Manna's card game, Feech was "made" before the electric light. If it wasn't for me, you two kids would've caught a vicious beating to say the least
Tony: You know I love you, you're like my big brother and your gonna be taken care of: what was "yours" before you went away will be "yours" again, you just gotta give it some time
Richie: You're gonna do that for me?
Tony: Hey fuck you
Richie: What's "mine" is not "yours" to give me
Tony: Hey prick, you reached out to me
Richie: I said what I wanted to say

- As soon as I found out it was your mom's place.
- O.d. Friend says special k and ecstasy.
- You fucking kidding me?
- Your kid's all right.
- She's a little drunk.
- 321, repeat, you're breaking up.
- 529, are you in pursuit of vehicle on 75 north?

Carmela: [referring to Meadow, while lying in bed] So, what did she have to say for herself?
Tony: The usual shit, "wasn't my fault."
Carmela: There was designer drugs there, Tony. So, what did you say?
Tony: I don't know, I yelled. What the fuck else am I gonna do?

- They're beautiful.
- Aren't they?
- Richie?
- Richie aprile?
- He went to visit her.
- You know he always loved ma.
- All right, I gotta go.
- You better water them.
- I think I hear them crying.

Meadow: [repeated line to her parents, after she threw a party that resulted in a partygoer getting arrested for dealing drugs, another partygoer being hospitalized for overdosing on drugs, and the house ended up being littered with trash, vomit, and urine] It wasn't my fault.

- Silvio says we can't take it.
- Whose joint did you just cop, mine or his?
- Did we do something wrong?
- You were fine.
- Get out of here.

- I was talking to Paulie walnuts...
- Who thought that Richie had been in Bosnia...
- Where there's also a large Muslim population.
- That's it. Out of here.
- Enough.
- And now for all you youngsters with visions of tit-fucking in your head...
- Here are the bing girls!
- Come on!

- I spent my allowance.
- And I already owe mom.
- The pashmina.
- We can wait on that.
- You get 10 dollars a week. Cash.
- No more.
- Till you get your card back.
- For gas!

- One week. That's where
- I picked up this yoga shit.
- It's working. You seem very supple.
- I'm doing a lot of stretching.
- So you back now?
- My mom's at St. erasmus. A stroke.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Tony didn't say anything about it.
- Guess we're all getting a little old.
- Only if that's our choice.

Tony: [while going through their refrigerator, referring to Janice] can she put anymore gook food in here?
Carmela: It's not that much
Tony: Soy milk this, tofu that: I hate all that shit
A.J. Soprano: Yeah me too
Meadow: [to AJ] shut up you said you liked the soy milk
A.J. Soprano: I lied, she was taking me to the video store
Meadow: I'm happy aunt Parvati is gonna stay
Tony: Oh, you mean the aunt that doesn't think you get punished enough?
Meadow: [raises her voice] that party wasn't my fault, how many fucking times do I have to say it?
Tony: [surprised by her outburst] Whoa!
Carmela: [chastising her for cursing] hey!
Carmela: [to Meadow] don't look like your gonna cry, you made your bed
Meadow: I need fifteen dollars
Carmela: Excuse me?
Meadow: The Cole Porter CD: it's for Magicals, we're doing three of their songs. You took my card remember?
Tony: [When she doesn't say anything after he gives her the money] what's your problem?
Meadow: [before leaving] nothing

- Really, I want you to stay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Well, good night.
- Good night.
- Oh, maybe just a little bit.
- The music.
- Oh, all right.

Meadow: Look, you guys, I know what I did was not OK and I've been thinking about it a lot and really not feeling good about myself. I think you should take away my Discover card.
Carmela: You better believe it.
Tony: That's right.
Meadow: For two weeks.
Tony: Three.
Meadow: How do I buy gas?
Tony: Your allowance.
Meadow: I spent my allowance and I already owe mom.
Carmela: [after Tony looks at her implying he wants to know what Meadow owes money for] The Pashmina.
Carmela: [to Meadow] We can wait on that.

- I spent mine on lawyers, you slippery fuck!
- You want to talk like a tough guy?
- Tough guy, here!
- Hey, come on. Please, no guns.
- What happened to
- "I'm no greaseball storeowner"?
- Tell me again how you won't lay down, huh?
- Asshole!

- You said he wasn't gonna bother me, Tony.
- Jesus.
- They said I might not walk.
[ Female ] Come on, mom. Let's go downstairs for a little while.
- You gonna let that animal get away with this?
- I'll let you talk to your "friend."

- Go ahead, ma. Shoot your best shot.
- Never you mind.
- Just remember what we talked about last week.
- Ma, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria for some coffee.
- Are you coming back?
- Yes.
- I bet you're very good to your mother.

Tony: [while visiting him in the hospital] listen, do me a favor? Don't listen to these fuckin doctors, when it comes to spinal injuries, everything's a mystery to them: Paulie, he had this cousin got ran over by a forklift and broke his back. The guy's dancing Tango competitions
Beansie: [after Tony helps him wipe his nose] thanks, I might not be able to wipe my own ass, you know that?
Tony: The nose is as far as I'm willing to go
Tony: [as Tony sits closer] you're a thousand percent sure it was Richie Aprile driving that car?
Beansie: A thousand percent? No, a fuckin a million percent. Let me tell you something: his lucky I ain't no rat fuck because the law knows that wasn't no "random" hit and run
Tony: Hey, don't start talkin foolish. We're "old school", right? We "wash" our own "dirty laundry"
Tony: [When he doesn't respond] hey, am I right?

- Mother of god, Janice!
- Are all of you sopranos the same?
- I ask you nicely to stay out of it, you pretend not to hear.
- Maybe you'll hear this.
- Mind your fucking business. Keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids!
- Alright?!
- Maybe I've stayed here too long.

Carmela: Fine, I'm not gonna argue with you Tony. If you want her to leave then you're gonna have to tell her cause I'm not. It's not Christian.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well see this shit works out, she's a Buddhist.

- Trust me!
- He's got a real fucking attitude problem.
- Careful.
- Come on.
- He just did 10 fucking years.
- He has a right to be a bit fucked up.
- No.
- Richie will be all right.

- Ah, ah...
- Come on.
- Thanks.
- Thanks, Tony.
- I might not be able to wipe my own ass, you know that?
- Your nose is as far as I'm willing to go.

- So, what did you say?
- I don't know. I yelled.
- What the fuck else am I gonna do?
- You sure you're gonna be all right, uncle rich?
- I want to walk.
- See if I run into any of the old crowd.
- Thanks, doll.

Beansie: [after greeting him] so when did you get out? How come nobody told me?
Richie: It's funny, Paulie 'Walnuts' told me he ran into you this morning
Beansie: Hey, honest to fuckin God, nobody said a word
Richie: Just shut the fuck up
Richie: [after Beansie sits down] I did a lot of meditation in the can on this
Beansie: On what?
Richie: I can't believe how crazy things get, do you ever meditate?
Beansie: [Amused] me? Meditate? Are you crazy?
Richie: Not as crazy as I used to be, still crazy enough to take out an eye out
Beansie: What's going on here?
Richie: Ten years: not even a pleasant "go fuck yourself" from you I get
Beansie: You know, I always asked how you were doing
Richie: The other two stores doing as good as this?
Beansie: Come on, you know? It's "a grind"
Richie: [Sternly] that doesn't answer my question
Beansie: Hey look, I know you're a "made guy" so I lose either way but I always respected you and your brother Jackie. I'm no "victim" here, I'm not some "grease ball" store owner. I'm sorry, I will not be "shaken down"
Richie: Suckin up to Tony Soprano has done wonders for you. I go away, I come back... you're a tough guy
Beansie: Don't do this
Richie: Don't do what? Take what's owed to me?
Beansie: What's owed to you?
Richie: I put you "in action." You got bad memory, veal parmesan sandwich... fuck you. I'll be back every Saturday partner
Beansie: You know I don't fuckin believe what I'm hearing here, I'm being shaken down for what? What did I do? Tell me what did I do? This is not right, I'm not gonna fuckin lay down. I'll step up

- Please, no pictures.
- Exploiting medical curiosities is against the law.
- That why they canceled your mom's audition?
- What did you say?
- It's a homecoming.
- Cocksucker.
- Take a walk.

Tony: [angered, meeting inside a mall] I thought I told you to back the fuck off Beansie!
Richie: I did, then I put it in drive.
Tony: Oh, you think this is funny? That guy may never walk again, did you know that? And for what? 'Cause he didn't duke you enough? 'Cause he didn't visit you in the can? When was the last time you visited anybody in the can Richie? When was the last time you gave a fuck about anybody but Richie Aprile?
Tony: Well, you remember one thing, this you'd better hear! You want a talk of this old school bullshit about the rules? Well, here's a rule you might remember. I'm the motherfuckin' fuckin' one who calls the shots! And you better pay me the respect that I gave your brother. Or we're gonna have a problem... a bad one.
Tony: Now get the fuck out of here!
Richie: Alright Tone.
Tony: Yeah! Alright!

- In your grandmother's house.
- It wasn't my fault.
- If I had a quarter every time I heard that...
- I'd have a private jet on 24-hour standby.
- Get in the car.